In Between

"...We would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most. Let us be mindful of the foundational precepts our Heavenly Father has given to His children that will establish the basis of a rich and fruitful mortal life with promises of eternal happiness. They will teach us to do “all these things … in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that [we] should run faster than [we have] strength. [But] it is expedient that [we] should be diligent, [and] thereby … win the prize.” 

-President Deiter F. Uchtdorf

It's only Tuesday...
I'm sitting in bed and I have this feeling of I can't wait...but for what?  Why would I be feeling anticipation for something that isn't there?  I ask myself all the standard questions:
-Did I forget something?
-What's happening this weekend?
-What is happening at school this week?
-Did I plan everything I needed to for the week?
I mentally go through conversations and who I saw over the last few days and analyze what I did to make sure I don't need to call to apologize for something or clarify etc.

Oh good grief!  Turn it off Dot!

I was in the grocery store the other day quickly passing the check outs to get where I needed to be and something occurred to me as I caught glimpses of headlines.  These stories are all horrific, terrible or extremely happy news at the "peak" or "highs".  For example princess Kate and her new baby, or a natural disaster and the climbing death toll or a suicide or overdose.  I was uncomfortable...what about everything in between?  What about the everyday victories and mistakes that we disregard because they don't fit into these two categories of "news worthy".  I have often in conversation exchange the "how are you"?  And "what's new or exciting in your life"?  I have often responded by saying, "oh I have nothing to report, my life is boring right now".  Or thinking to myself I wish I had something to talk about with people.  I stand around listening in social gatherings wishing I had something to contribute and feel that I don't because whatever I say isn't funny or profound.  I've even struggled to write regularly on this blog because I needed something that would change or affect people for it to be worthy of writing about.  No one will read it if it doesn't mean anything.  I guess people read stuff that doesn't matter all the time though huh?

In the last couple of days this thought has stayed with me and I have been paying particular attention to what I do each day.  Yesterday instead of opting to do yoga alone, I went with my roommate to our complex to exercise.  We talked!  She was on the elliptical and I was attempting push-ups and stretching.  We just talked.  I missed her.  It's amazing(as many of you know) how you can live with someone and never see them.  I told her about my thoughts over the last few days and what some of my insights and goals were.  She told me about what was happening at work as of late and other things that were happening for her.  We communicated our everyday "stuff" and I was reminded why I was so lucky to be her roommate.

At work I was walking along the side wall and ran into the side of the whiteboard and tore my pants.  It was in front of my students.  It took me a minute to find the courage to look down and assess the damage and the level of embarrassment that would be appropriate for the situation. I think my initial gasp and horrified face were more severe than the tear, but it entertained the kids for a moment.  I also noticed along the way during the day that my shirt was unraveling at the bottom.  One of the kids pointed out that, "You have something on your butt!"  Thank goodness for 7th graders or I would not know right from left;)
There is a kid at school who has already taken a liking to me and wants to talk with me all the time and get my input on what he's doing.  Currently he is getting ready to run for Vice-President!  He had me read his speech and I gave him a few pointers and told him I was glad he was doing it!  In contrast I have a list of about 15 students who's parents I will be emailing and calling out of concern for what their child is doing, or not doing in class.  Oh, and I still don't know how to use the electronic gradebook!

Saturday I started choir practice.  At 7:30 in the morning!  I don't get up for things at 7:30 in the morning on Saturdays but this I am making an exception for.  I haven't sung in an organized group like this since high school and the opportunity just fell into my lap after singing in church one week.  Some of the choir members said I should try out and that they would recommend me and just like that, now I have choir practice EVERY Saturday morning at 7:30 am for two whole hours!!!  We've started practicing for our Christmas concerts.  There was a brief moment while singing I had to stop.  Everything went on as normal, however I was keenly aware of the sound, my surroundings and the miracle of my even being there.  I got a little emotional and then the moment passed and I started singing again.  This is one of those things that feels a bit... shall we say over my head!  I am trying to sing alto, which historically I've strictly been a soprano.  I want to learn more about reading music and improving my ear so I chose to do it this way.  I tried really hard on Saturday to listen carefully to what was being played and to the people around me.  Several times I caught myself singing tenor or with the sopranos.  I loved it and giggled to myself much of the time.

My favorite people in the world are my family!  Just a month ago several of us late one night were playing a game.  I started laughing and for those who know me, when I am laughing HARD you can't hear anything or if there is sound its wheezing.  I was laughing hard!  I couldn't tell you the reason, I just wanted to.  Well, my mother joined in because well she can.  She was laughing at me, which made the situation more absurd which made me laugh even more!  My mother and I had tears streaming down our faces.  I am wheezing and my mom's laugh is in a word LOUD!  I think screaming is occasionally involved. My family continued to play as if this was something to simply be ignored as it happens regularly, AND  for no reason, and soooo it should be ignored.

I have a nephew who is not really prone to affection.  He enjoys it just as much as the next person, he is just a little choosy.  I was walking up to his door after taking he and his brother inside from the park.  He got to the top of the stairs first and when I got there he turned around with a huge smile on his face like he had just discovered gravity or something!  He walked over to me and without saying anything raised his arms, as children do, when they want to be picked up, so I did.  He wrapped his arms around me and put his head on my shoulder and squeezed tight.  This went on for several minutes.  This coming from a kid who it was difficult to get a fist pump from when I would leave the house.

My nephews brother is somewhat of a dare-devil (okay that was understated) and just about a year ago his head was bigger than his body.  He would often explore the house at a speed that he was unable to maintain and would run into walls and doors constantly.  He would get back up with a smile on his face and go it again, like this time I am going to get it right!  One time all I heard from the other room was a thud.  You KNOW the sound. If you are at a bowling alley and someone drops their ball as opposed to rolling it???  Well it was my little man going the course again and he had landed on his head this time.  I yelled from the other room, "Someone dropped their bowling ball!"  My brother(nephews dad) laughed.  Whenever we heard that sound we would say someone dropped their bowling ball...

The glory of ordinary days.

Those everyday moments that are ignored and diminished because I am thinking about what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day or 6 months from now.  I could go on and on about the simplicity of moments that I wish would never end.  You know the ones...the ones that make life feel as though you have acquired great wealth!

How often we throw away our "flecks of gold".

Flecks of Gold

The Little Engine...

“It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.” 

― Gordon B. Hinckley

I wrote this on the plane to Arizona. I'm meeting up with my parents, who are returning from their 18 month mission in the Philippines!  It was an emotionally charged 4 hours.  I was listening to my somber, angry break-up music after watching the movie they showed on the plane.  The comedy made me cry...why? Well, its because part of the movie focused on a child who "screwed" up his life: poor grades, detentions, suspensions, and by the 11th grade had a GPA of 1.2.  His Senior year he stumbled upon a new school and teachers who believed in him.  This particular child was unique because of his level of intelligence.  An avid reader from age 8, a self guided learner, driven by instinct to learn and to teach himself!  Long story short, this young man scored incredibly well on all his AP exams, without taking AP courses, and received almost a perfect score on the SAT!  All this kid wanted was to attend Princeton University and no one on the committee wanted him, "he couldn't handle the academic pressures,  he wouldn't fit in here."  One person on the committee fought for this young man, "He is exceptional!", only to be rejected by the rest of the committee.

This story is fabricated and dramatized, but I was struck and moved, both wanting to give my vote for the young man...Give him a chance! His past, his experience has made him stronger and better equipped to handle the pressure of your University!  And by my desire to have someone, who against all odds, all my mistakes and screw ups would choose to go to bat for me too.

In a stream of thoughts, I felt to write specifically about this.  It is very real, its one of my own and felt it was time to share it.  First of all for myself, to remind me of who I am and to remind me of where I've been and where I am now.  Second, and perhaps more important, for the person who needs to hear that life, with all its challenges and CRAP... is really worth living!

This last year in Michigan has been flooded with doubt, and fear.  I feel I have come a loooong way and have put many things behind me that have haunted my life, and now...well, let's just say I am having to re-learn how to "walk" in many ways.  After living a certain way: hiding, running away, avoiding everything hard.  Having moved ahead or on from plagues of the past, its difficult to re-program my brain...my heart to believe that I'm okay or really what it is, is I am okay even if I mess up!  I've been bombarded with urging from family, and friends to move closer to family, "Maybe you should move on, we can help you here, you gave it your best Dot...you gave it your best."  I haven't had a steady job this year, which makes things a little interesting financially sometimes, and other "plans" or hopes of things I wanted to accomplish or have happen never came about...not even close.   I have very seriously considered the "options" and in my search for answers kept coming back to this particular time in my life that was very obviously a mistake.

Reno, Nevada, 2008 at approximately 4am, I called my mother.  All dark forces combined against me, the weight too great to bare, I was all alone severely depressed, hopeless.  No one would ever love me, I could never be forgiven...I'm nobody, what I do doesn't matter, it would just be better for everyone if I wasn't here.  I tried so hard to be good, to be somebody worthy of love.  I failed.  I just want to die.  I just want it all to end and I wouldn't have to suffer anymore.  I can do it!  It will be easy!  I can take the pills I have in the bathroom and just fall asleep...no more pain...I want to do it.
I could barely get words out when my Mom answered the phone.  All I could get out between sobs,

Me: "Can I come home?  Please, I just want to come home....just let me come home.

Mom: "Yes, of course you can come home.  What's wrong?  What happened?

Me:  "I want to die, I don't want to do this anymore, can I just come home...I want to come home!"

My mother was able to calm me down and talk me through so I could sleep.  The next day I immediately began making plans to leave Reno and move to Chicago.  In the weeks that followed, I had this tugging feeling in my heart to stay in Reno...just stick it out Dot.  My Mom met me in Kaysville, Utah, and we drove the two day trip to Chicago.  I don't remember anything we talked about on the road trip, just that same tugging in my mind and heart...you can turn around and go back, its not too late!  At home it was business as usual,  all the while knowing and feeling all over...I had made a mistake. I went to visit my Dad at work and before he could even say hello, I was in tears,  "I think I made a mistake, I think I need to go back to Reno."  He just gave me a hug, with a crooked grin, shaking his head which means, Okay, whatever you say you crazy girl.  Soooo, I went back to Reno!  And for the next two and a half years had some great experiences and adventures.  I met one the greatest guys, EVER, who became one of my greatest friends.  He taught me about courage and fun for the sake of just having fun...I love him and miss him.   Work was a great reward, the kids I loved with all my heart, and in the process of just time and days of just doing...moving, I somehow created a life for myself.   Since that time I have never really called a place home.

I moved to Chicago and never really settled in there.  I feel like that was my window to treasure and cherish my family.  To really improve relationships with some of them.  They all left the area and through a series of what can only be described as miracles and divine intervention, I moved to Michigan.  When I was driving back to Chicago, after a brief visit to Michigan...I just knew it was my home.

So to anyone wondering if I am moving to Arizona, or anywhere else from the great state of Michigan...the answer is NO!!!  It would be a mistake.  I would be turning my back on everything that has happened up to now in my life.  It would erase all the hard, the tears, the suffering...climbing up a mountain only to turn back just feet away from the Summit.  Oh, the glorious view that awaits, and I would miss it.  So NO!  Not a chance.  I'm staying, sticking it out.  Knowing God has brought me this far and He will continue to climb with me!  I'm not giving up and turning back this time.   Argh!  I just want to scream at everyone, "I'm not broken, Is this all you will ever see?  I'm stronger than you think I am.  With God all things are possible and with Him, I can reach the Summit!  I can restore and repair mistakes of the past and create and become great...and be good.  It's already begun!  I certainly don't want the transformation to cease...I want my butterfly wings!"  I suppose it may be more useful to say this to myself, while awkwardly looking at myself in the mirror, instead of yelling at everyone else...

I never again considered suicide.  I got help, it was not an over night fix.  It took a very long time for me to believe and to see the hope and love others had for me.  I am grateful my Mother answered the phone that night and many other nights and days!!!  I am grateful my parents have and still continue to be willing to go along on the ride with me without judgement or criticism.

I know many people reading this have had experiences with friends, family and loved ones who have taken their own lives.  I wish that was something that none of us ever knew about.  I wish it was something I could change.  There are never any real answers only more questions and a lot of "what if".  My heart aches along with yours, wishing somehow we could get them back.  I do know that God has a special greeting for them, one of love, safety and healing.  There are just no words to ever make it better...no words can do that.

For those of you who are reading who want to die...I get it.  I really, really wanted it!  I am glad it never happened.  I am glad I am alive.  Courage and bravery is talked about sometimes like its something you can pick up at the nearest CVS or Walgreens.  But, when you are surrounded my darkness, loud, screeching, terrible voices and you can't breath because its so thick...and you're paralyzed with fear, well, courage and bravery are scarce.  It comes at a price you just can't pay to get it.  Just be still, call out to God for help and wait out the darkness, it will eventually find another place to go...I promise.  The light will come, perhaps imperceptible at first, but it will continue to find place in you if you allow it to grow.  Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP!  Please!!  Don't give up!  My life has not necessarily gotten easier, but it has gotten better!  Don't give up!
I think we all feel "little" at times, some more than others, and even feel we just don't have enough to keep going.  Fuel that little spark , if thats all you have, focus on it, nurture it, and build it, until its hot enough to create the steam to move.  Don't give up!   Sometimes in life, we just can't explain what we feel or what we "know", we just know it and feel it!  Everyone always will have an opinion, something to say about our choices...our journey and we just won't be able to find the words to adequately describe to others "why", and we just keep going, and sometimes we just have to go it alone because sometimes doing what is right will require that.

For the rest of you...if you get a call at 4am, answer it!  If you feel like maybe you should talk to someone...Do it!  You will never regret an act of kindness and you never know who you might save...

Life is worth living, and I can say that even when things are not really going my way right now!  Life is worth living and risks are worth taking.  Spoken from someone who has taken many risks...AND still hoping to get it right and acquire the desired results!
Always look for the exceptional.  It.  Is.  Always.  There!  In yourself and in others...it is always there!

My Mom has told me a time or two that I am like The Little Engine That Could, I just keep going.  Well, I don't know where I'm headed, but,  I know I am on the right "track".

Truth.

"Gospel truths about life and the human condition stand in stark contrast to the world's view; the world's solutions so often lead mankind into conceptual cul-de-sacs.  Without gospel truths, man's efforts to reach his goals are like the northbound explorer who drove his dog sled feverishly northward on an ice pack that was flowing southward--only to find himself farther from his destination at the end of a hard day's journey than he had at dawn!"

~Neal A. Maxwell

It's been a while since I've posted, partly because I started a new job thats taken over my life, and partly because I haven't felt I've had anything "inspiring" to write about.  I'm sitting, enjoying the quiet and just thinking about how I can express what I've been thinking about the last little while.  This is always a long process for me to organize my thoughts.  I don't think another human could actually understand my pathway of thinking if I don't filter or organize first.

In large part I've been thinking about what's next for me.  I scheduled my final therapy visit and have begun to taper down my medication.  I've started a new job teaching, in a few weeks will be singing a duet in church, and in July will be running a 5K!   "Back in the saddle again"  I feel a shift, a ripple of change through my body and spirit and I know... I. Am. Different.  There is definitely a ripple through the universe and I am wondering if it's just me or if anyone else felt it too?  I can't believe it happened, the time actually came, its here...I can move forward.  But where to?  

My M/O for life has been to urgently go from one thing to another, one place to another. Usually that entails a great opportunity doing something I ALWAYS wanted to do and so I go. And. Do it!  Never staying in one place for too long so as to avoid any real attachments.  Last year in making a decision to move to Michigan I finally got that feeling, this is it!  I am here to stay.  Finally a place to settle down for a while.  But about three months after I moved here, I started asking myself about my next step and when would be a good time to move on from here (the start of my breakdown).  I had this whole picture in my head about what this year was going to be for me, and what it was that I was going to accomplish...it never happened.  I admit I feel compelled to stay.  Not for lack of trying to leave, because I felt nothing was working out, or I just wanted to run from everything here.  I just can't seem to shake, this is it!  I am here to stay.  Finally a place to settle down for a while.
Now that I made it through my almost first year, I question all the time, Do I want to be here? Would I be better off closer to family?  Would I have more opportunities to date living somewhere else?  Better job prospects? Am I happy here, now? My family is always asking me to move, "Are you ready to move and come here yet?" Hmmmm, ...answer now...or later?!

With all the changes and as walls have come down, relationships have come to the fore front and I am more aware of all the sensations that come with them.  I am someone who has always sought for approval and I always want RESULTS!  I immediately question the quality of what I'm doing and even more damaging, question the quality of who I am when I don't see a positive in what I am endeavoring to achieve with others.  What am I doing here?!  Is a question I often ask.  Soooo, what's the point in doing something that doesn't seem to be doing any good or going anywhere?   Excellent question!!  I am going to put it out there that all of us ask this question.  And I will put it out there that, sometimes,  we even give up.

This is an experience I had in college that I believe will answer these questions.  I was enrolled in a ROPES facilitator course and as part of the course we had to go through the experience first hand on a ROPES course.  We spent several weeks on the course as participants and learning how to facilitate many different kinds of groups and activities.  I was dreading the high elements of the course and would hope by some miracle I could be spared from jumping from a ridiculous height!  The climb never bothered me, it was always the jump.  As luck, or fate would have it, I was selected to go first on "the ring".  All I had to do was climb about 40 feet up a tree and jump off a ledge to grab a ring hanging about oh maybe 3 feet in front of the ledge.  Easy right?  No. Big. Deal.  As I was getting all geared up and tied up, the facilitator suggested I go blind folded....what?! Are you crazy?  There is No way I can do that! I of course, was the picture of calm and strength on the outside, but was ready to pee my pants at the slightest hint of trouble!  I agreed to do it because I didn't want to look weak or stupid in front of the WHOLE class!!  I started to climb and the first few steps were quite easy.  The further up I got the further apart the staples in the tree became...whoever built this is STUPID!  I felt around the tree for all possible paths before moving, I went very slowly.  I didn't want to fall because I would have to start again, or may not get another opportunity to try again.  My classmates would also guide me to where they thought a move would be more helpful.  After probably 30 minutes I made it to the platform.  I just stood, rejoicing in the fact that I wasn't dead yet, however the elation quickly fled when the instructor shouted, "Now JUMP!, the hard parts over!"  Jerk, what does he know about hard?  I took slow, small steps to the edge.  I could feel the edge and even hung my toes over, but did not want to jump.  I had no way to gauge the distance or if I was even directly in front of the ring.  I decided the only way down was to jump.  I prayed that whoever had me belayed was strong enough to keep me from plummeting to the ground.  Okay, Dot just do it...you can do this!  Just jump...JUMP already!  I hurled myself as far as I could, reaching out...hoping...and then I could feel myself starting to fall and and then an abrupt tug.  I missed it.  I missed the ring.  When I was on the ground, there were many pats on the back and hugs for a job well done.  I took my blind fold off and looked up at the platform.  Was I even close?  As I examined the tree, the distance climbed and looking at the ring a surprising thing happened.  I got a feeling of WOW!  I can't believe I just did that!!!  I was able to come to the conclusion that the point of the activity was not the ring, but the jump.  I jumped!  I was willing to go for it with all I had, and I jumped!!

Yes, life is still a big question mark for me, and yes, I don't know how long I will be here in Michigan, or what the actual impact of what I do in this world.  I am still going to jump! Sooo here's the TRUTH:
1. I know that Michigan is my home, no really good reason for it, but it is and I am going to stay until my path leads me somewhere else.  I'm sticking this one out and getting uber attached :)
2. I do miss my family, they are my favorite people in all the world.  With all my moving around I have been greatly blest to spend significant time with them and hopefully will again in the future.
3. There is no where I could run to hide from myself.  Turns out I'm not so scary...well mostly.
4. The outcome is less important than what I did to get it.  My actions do matter, even if I'm the only one who thinks so.
5. The little things I choose to do along the way, will ultimately get me to where I want to be!  It's the journey people!!
6. I am a work in progress, not yet a work of art.  That is OKAY! It always amazing to watch an artist work.
7. In the process of teaching others I often forget I am being taught too!!  As I am wanting to contribute something to them, they too are wanting to contribute and have that contribution make a difference.  I forget it's a two way street.
8. I am HAPPY!  I feel a sense of freedom emotionally, mentally that I never have before.

My story isn't over yet, I am revisiting the ideas and hopes I had last year and setting new goals for the summer months ahead.  Some of my hopes have become even more important and others I have set to the side for right now.  Jumping is never easy, I still obsess over do I or don't I? Each and every time.  Sometimes the jump is worth making and sometimes it isn't...
I am grateful for all the times I did jump though;) and looking forward to the jumps to come!  Your turn to take a leap...

Intervention in Rough and Good Places

"Our most significant opportunities will be found in the times of greatest difficulty."

-Thomas S. Monson

In my quest for healing and in just trying to make it through each day, I have, over the last several years...weeks been questioning.  "Where is God in all this crap?  I am doing all I can and nothing seems to be changing."  A Few weeks ago I was preparing a lesson for church and I noticed my body and my mind become invigorated and found myself looking forward to the day ahead, when previous to my study I didn't even want to get out of bed. "What's the point?" I had been asking myself frequently.  After my lesson preparation I went on to my scripture study for the day.  As I was reading my mind was taken back to about two and half years ago when I felt that I should begin to do my scripture study in the morning instead of right before bed.

Two and a half years ago, I decided to move to Chicago to be with my family. This time was the beginning of the most challenging period of my life. My dad had recently been diagnosed with prostate cancer.  It was a "no brainer" for me to pick up and leave my home and job in Reno to be with my Mom and Dad.  I didn't want to miss anything(My Dad is well and he and my Mom are serving a mission in the Philippines).  I also was in a challenging job and just trying to figure out my next steps in life, and I was getting closed door after closed door, when I felt this impression to change my morning routine.  The results were immediate! Instead of skimming through, half awake at night, I was gaining information and feeling ready and more confident at the beginning of each day.

In the course of my morning....okay afternoon study, I began having a flood of thoughts, "What are my expectations with God?  Why did God not save me from abuse or other experiences that were so hurtful to my heart and my spirit?"  Then my mind took me to something I had read by Elder Neal A. Maxwell:

"Throughout scripture we encounter the need for us to remember that the Lord has His own timetable for unfolding things; it will not always accord with our schedules or wants.  When, in our extremities, we urgently call for a divine response, there may be, instead, a divine delay.  This is not because God, at the moment, is inattentive or loves us less than perfectly.  Rather, it is because we are being asked, at the moment, to endure more for the welfare of our souls.  The blessed meek understand that God loves them even when they may not be able to explain the meaning of what is happening to them or around them"(Meek and Lowly).

 "...I'm not sure we can always understand the implications of his{Christ}love, because his love will call us at times to do things we may wonder about, and we may be confronted with circumstances we would rather not face.  I believe with all my heart that because God loves us there are some particularized challenges that he will deliver to each of us.  He will customize the curriculum for each of us in order to teach us the things we most need to know.  He will set before us in life what we need, not always what we like.  And this will require us to accept with all our hearts...the truth that there is divine design in each of our lives...He knows what it is that he wishes to bring to pass in your life.  He knows the remodeling in your life and in mine that he wishes to achieve...One of the implications is that the tests we face are real.  They are not going to be things we can do with one hand tied behind our backs.  They are real enough that if we meet them we shall know that we have felt them, because we will feel them deeply and keenly and pervasively...If we were allowed to bypass certain trials, everything that had gone on up to that moment in our lives would be wiped out.  It is because he loves us that at times he will not intercede as we may wish him to"(But For A Small Moment).


My mind became a movie theater and I was watching trailer after trailer of experience after experience of miracle after miracle.  Of course God intervenes in my life!  He always has and he always will!  God does and has intervened in every way.  He has given me help and hope.  God knew how much changing a simple routine would help me from day to day, to just get up and to have hope that today would be a good day.  Interventions are always there!  Here are just a few that I've experienced recently:
I was turning into a neighborhood slowly because it was a sharp turn and a women was walking past with her dog.   She got a big grin on her face and waved at me as though I were her favorite neighbor!  "Amazing!  I feel like I matter to her and I don't even know her" I thought.  I was instantly uplifted.  She was an instrument in God's hands, demonstrating genuine kindness to a stranger and it brought happiness to my heart.

I have friends who accept my "crazy" and still love me and want to hang out with me.(Miraculous)

Easter Sunday all I wanted was sunshine. The forecast was for rain.  I prayed for sunshine, "its Easter! It should be beautiful, with sun and new life blossoming, please let there be sun!"  Sunday morning it was rainy.  After church I walked outside to sunshine and warmth.  Later that evening I went for a walk and my friend pointed out these beautiful purple flowers that were just starting to grow.

I was driving in my car the other day and decided to make an attempt at becoming more educated and informed so I turned my radio to NPR. This is what I heard:

"Can we really see the Universe in a grain of sand, even as we slog through traffic? Can we really hold infinity in our hands, even as we drop off the kids to violin practice?

The answer, I believe, is "yes." In fact I am sure of the answer is yes. The connection between the everyday reality we experience and boundless landscapes of cosmic beauty, inspiration and joy is actually so close, so present for us. It's there in the dust on your car, the mess on your desk and the swirling water in your sink.

How do I know this? Because I am a scientist dammit and I know that Science — under all its theories equations, experiments and data — is really trying to teach us to see the sacred in the mundane and the profound in the prosaic.

The trick is in the noticing and that happens by unpacking the question hidden in Blake's poem.
Can we really see the whole world in a grain of sand?
Through the lens of science we can see how even the smallest thing can be a gateway to an experience of the extraordinary, if only we can practice noticing.
We walk past a thousand, thousand natural miracles everyday, from the sun climbing in the sky to the arc of birds seen out our windows. Those miracles are there waiting for us to see them, to notice them and, most importantly, to find our delight in theirs.
You want some transcendence? I got it for ya. Let's start with that grain of sand."

- Adam Frank is a Professor of Astrophysics at the University of Rochester.

Not one of us is immune to suffering!  It happens to all of us.  One of the reasons why I wanted to start this blog was hopefully to connect to others, who are just like me.  We feel lost, we wonder what the point is and how are we supposed to get through it?!  It is a maddening process at times and these last few months have brought me to breaking point...AND I am glad it did!  I needed it.  I needed to change, I needed to forgive myself and forgive others.  My heart has been so cold and so hard for far too long.
I feel that I am transitioning into a new "phase" of my life and that it will look different than it ever has before.  I am different than I ever have been before.  If I had not been broken I would've continued on the same discouraging and lonely road.
I know that Jesus Christ my Savior has healed me from pain, despair, guilt, hate, and anger from my abusive past.  Now my path ahead is clear, and I feel free and open to actually be a real participant in life.  I will still have challenges, those will always come and go...thats just life.  But I know now, better than I have before and I see more clearly than before God's hand in all things.  I know He loves me and I know He loves you.  All we need to do is look for it, BELIEVE him, that He is there and is always providing love, guidance, support and encouragement.  We are His children and His greatest desire is for us to be able to come home!  Let us always look for the divine in the mundane.  After all, He is our Creator and has blest us with ALL that we have and ALL that we are.  So lets NOTICE it!  NOTICE HIM!!!! and be glad for the journey that is meant for happiness and to change us for the better.

Life Unexpected

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 

― C. JoyBell C.

Sooo....apparently, being brand spankin' new to the blogging world, I am supposed to update or post more than just once a week!!!  This will be practice on follow through.  I always feel I have a lot to say (just ask the kids I work with) but I get nervous about who's listening or if what I have to say will have value to them.  I suppose really, that that doesn't matter.

Over the course of the last week, I've had some really amazing experiences.  One in particular on Thursday evening.  I had been putting off some therapy work hmmmmm, Juuuuust because I didn't want to deal with it.  Well I came to the conclusion on Wednesday that I needed to plow through and no matter what happened, do not stop until the work was done and I had broken through a wall I've been sitting and staring at for quite some time.  I cleared my schedule and went to "work".  On Thursday, I got an unexpected phone call from a friend who, I hadn't heard from in a while.  During the course of our extensive conversation, something clicked!  It took a few minutes to sink in but there it was...healing.  It never ceases to amaze me how the kindness of others in combination with the power of God can change people.  Kindness seems to be such a small word for it.  Think about it.  Remember all the times you have been at the receiving end of something so simple, but it changed everything for you.  It touched you to the core, so deep that you can still, when reflecting remember those same feelings as if it just happened all over again.  Ahhhhhh.....Awesome!!!

In my search of the "why" am I this way, or "why" did this happen to me and the "how" can I fix it, "how" can I fix me?  I have decided (after Thursday) to shift my research plan to find out who I really am!!  And allowing Jesus Christ our Savior and Redeemer do the rest.  I believe that through Him all wrongs can be made right, maybe not in this life, but definitely in the next!

I know that I am a daughter of God.  Which means that I have divine qualities within me.  What are they?  Well in doing in good research we must experiment to see what is true and not true based on our hypothesis.  I have a few ideas and have been putting those into practice.  An example of this and one that I struggle with the most is unconditional LOVE.  I have always felt that this particular divine gift came with me, meaning I was born with it.  Over the course of time (still experimenting) have learned that although this gift is inherent, it does not come automatically.  I have to want it, even pray for it especially if its to be used for its intended use.  I want to be an instrument of good, like so many have been for me.  The hard part is that is takes continual practice AND its more about the other person than about me(tough pill to swallow).
Just as quickly as I was feeling my path was clear and clean-I was standing, enjoying the scenery I get a knock to the back of the head and a voice(in my head) shouts "STAY DOWN"!   Each blow comes harder, faster.  In just 24 hours, I was questioning something good I felt I had done.  I stayed true to myself, "experimenting" with this unconditional love and sharing with with those who I felt could use it....BAM!  Owwwwwww!
Right to the gut and back of the head. Leveled right to the ground.  I felt misunderstood and ultimately misled by people I was beginning to trust.  {pause}- go back and read the last sentence and notice how many time I used "I" and how many times I referenced the feelings of the other person...the answer: I-2, person-0. {play}- Lesson #1 in unconditional love: its about loving the person, not what do I get out of it! Duh!  Thats like... the definition!  Anyway over the last couple of days I have been "staying down", assessing the damage to my head, gut, and heart and decided it was only my ego that was injured.  Lesson #2 no ego involved in unconditional love.  And so the learning continues...

I'm writing today, because I want to fight back at the voice that wants me to stay down!  I am getting back up and trying again.

Sherri Dew says this about identity:

"There is nothing more vital to our success here than learning to hear the voice of the {Holy}spirit.  It is the Spirit who reveals to us our identity-which isn't just who we are but who we have always been.  And that when we know, our lives take on a sense of purpose so stunning that we can never be the same again.  Our spirits long for us to remember the truth about who we are, because the way we see ourselves, our sense of identity, affects everything we do.  It affects the way we behave, the way we respond to uncertainty, the way we see others, the way we feel about ourselves, and the way we make choices.  It affects the very way we live our lives". (Dew, Knowing Who You Are--and Who You Have Always Been, BYU 2001 Women's Conference)

I want to discover and KNOW who I really am, what I can do in this world to make it better.  I want that to change me, change how I live, make choices, how I see others...I want it to affect everything in my life!  I guess it will only come through trial and error and thorough research, making note of what works and what doesn't.  Here's to breaking wide open!!!!! AND to never being the same again!!!!

The Power of One

   

"Small people doing small things can alter the world"

-Dorothy L. Miller

     I was always told to tell my story because of the many unusual events that have taken place in my life however; I have learned that my life is not a combination of events but of moments, of people.  Moments of feeling that if I continued on I would break, moments of getting lost in love.  Moments of learning, tears and laughter, and the people, who, in those moments gave of themselves to me.
     Recently I have been faced with a decision, to share or not to share?  All of us know someone who at the right time and just at the right moment has shared something of significance with us that has changed us forever.  It has happened to me and I know it has happened for you.
     Just last week I was driving a friend to the airport who I haven't seen in probably 15 years!  I had to drive two hours just to pick her and her daughter up, to drive two more hours back to the airport.  There was something inside me that told me I needed to do this for her.  It was an amazing experience. She was someone who I have always admired and loved and we just picked up right where we left off.  We took turns giving brief time lines of our lives since we went separate ways.  She spoke openly and honestly to me about her life and particularly her most recent trial...her daughter has terminal cancer.  She doesn't know if her daughter will live to her 4th birthday.  My friend was remarkably positive even in the midst of what was to be.  As we were talking she mentioned several times a blog that shares her story with her daughter.  I was instantly touched and inspired.  I had been thinking for several weeks about creating a blog, but felt unsure and very insecure about it.  When I dropped her off, I drove away filled with joy and was so grateful to have made the trip...sooo worth it!!! I knew I needed to share my story.  We continue to keep in touch.
     So at the risk of being vulnerable, or being ridiculed, discouraged or disliked I am going to add my voice…my story to many others who have shared theirs with me. They opened their lives and hearts to me to make me better and stronger, so I could live another day, to make me smile, to feel safe. More importantly they, at risk to themselves, decided it was more important to help me, to love me than to protect themselves.  I honor them, and you who are reading for the many difficult and inspiring stories that have been told and will yet be shared…
     My purpose is to continue my own journey of healing, growing and share peace, light, hope and love. I want to give permission to everyone out there to love who they are, to love where they came from, their sufferings, victories, weakness, strengths.  These are gifts that create our character: passion, integrity, compassion, faith, and hope, humor, among just a few.
     Okay, about me...well, I intend to be blunt and honest so if that's not for you stop reading:)  My whole life I have been ashamed of who I am.  I have wished, prayed to be different, to be someone else.  I have even pleaded with God to take me from this earth because I just could not continue.  I have recently been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and other psychological mumbo jumbo that isn't really important.  I was sexually abused as a young child on multiple occasions by several individuals, which has literally infected every part of my being and distorted my view of the world.  I struggle to trust anyone, to believe that anyone could ever love me.  I never felt good enough for anything really good, I was wasn't worthy of anything truly wonderful because I was damaged, beyond repair and believed it would never change.  It was like I was experiencing everything from inside a bubble.  I could see out and feel what was happening around me and what other people were going through, but they could not see me.  I was invisible.  My whole life I've felt that I have been screaming in a crowded room and no one could hear me.  I hated myself, all the time, everyday and I believed everyone else did too.  About 6 months ago, I decided to get help.  I went to my ward bishop(church leader) for guidance and suggestions for therapy.  We found a counselor as well as a psychologist who, immediately prescribed medication.  In the process of these 6 months, in addition to the previous 35 years of life, feel I am finally making "real" changes and not just compensating for the sake of self-preservation.  I am coming out of my bubble.
     So why am I sharing now?  Because I believe its time for me to STOP being ashamed of who I am and start recognizing all the miracles, the wonderful things that have come to me through these things.  They are a part of me, but they do not define who I am.  They helped to form, but not to establish the truth of me.  I am learning to love myself.  I am taking risks and developing talents and doing things that I love.  Each day is a battle and I have to choose what will win out the day.  I have to make a conscious list of what I did that was good or better than the day before and then honestly determine ONE thing to do a little better the next day.  It is hard AND it is GOOD.   I am good.  I am SIGNIFICANT. Not by society or the world's definition.  I know that I have great value and purpose.  I know that I can make this world a better place somehow.  I have nothing to be ashamed about...no more secrets!!!  I want so much to help someone else come out of the dark, to understand and know their value and find purpose.
     The "one" who has stayed by me through it all, who has given strength, put me in the path of wonderful people, protected me, and who is in the PROCESS of healing me, is God...our Heavenly Father.  I know Him to be real and very much in the details of my story and in yours, past, present, and future.  I love Him and know that every good thing has come from Him.
     I will be sharing in more detail about my struggles and hopefully victories too.  Today, I won some, and I lost more of the battles than I would have liked to.  It is okay and I am okay.
     I know that everyone has their won battles and I hope that we can recognize the warrior within all of us and find courage to move forward even when we cannot see.