Life Unexpected

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 

― C. JoyBell C.

Sooo....apparently, being brand spankin' new to the blogging world, I am supposed to update or post more than just once a week!!!  This will be practice on follow through.  I always feel I have a lot to say (just ask the kids I work with) but I get nervous about who's listening or if what I have to say will have value to them.  I suppose really, that that doesn't matter.

Over the course of the last week, I've had some really amazing experiences.  One in particular on Thursday evening.  I had been putting off some therapy work hmmmmm, Juuuuust because I didn't want to deal with it.  Well I came to the conclusion on Wednesday that I needed to plow through and no matter what happened, do not stop until the work was done and I had broken through a wall I've been sitting and staring at for quite some time.  I cleared my schedule and went to "work".  On Thursday, I got an unexpected phone call from a friend who, I hadn't heard from in a while.  During the course of our extensive conversation, something clicked!  It took a few minutes to sink in but there it was...healing.  It never ceases to amaze me how the kindness of others in combination with the power of God can change people.  Kindness seems to be such a small word for it.  Think about it.  Remember all the times you have been at the receiving end of something so simple, but it changed everything for you.  It touched you to the core, so deep that you can still, when reflecting remember those same feelings as if it just happened all over again.  Ahhhhhh.....Awesome!!!

In my search of the "why" am I this way, or "why" did this happen to me and the "how" can I fix it, "how" can I fix me?  I have decided (after Thursday) to shift my research plan to find out who I really am!!  And allowing Jesus Christ our Savior and Redeemer do the rest.  I believe that through Him all wrongs can be made right, maybe not in this life, but definitely in the next!

I know that I am a daughter of God.  Which means that I have divine qualities within me.  What are they?  Well in doing in good research we must experiment to see what is true and not true based on our hypothesis.  I have a few ideas and have been putting those into practice.  An example of this and one that I struggle with the most is unconditional LOVE.  I have always felt that this particular divine gift came with me, meaning I was born with it.  Over the course of time (still experimenting) have learned that although this gift is inherent, it does not come automatically.  I have to want it, even pray for it especially if its to be used for its intended use.  I want to be an instrument of good, like so many have been for me.  The hard part is that is takes continual practice AND its more about the other person than about me(tough pill to swallow).
Just as quickly as I was feeling my path was clear and clean-I was standing, enjoying the scenery I get a knock to the back of the head and a voice(in my head) shouts "STAY DOWN"!   Each blow comes harder, faster.  In just 24 hours, I was questioning something good I felt I had done.  I stayed true to myself, "experimenting" with this unconditional love and sharing with with those who I felt could use it....BAM!  Owwwwwww!
Right to the gut and back of the head. Leveled right to the ground.  I felt misunderstood and ultimately misled by people I was beginning to trust.  {pause}- go back and read the last sentence and notice how many time I used "I" and how many times I referenced the feelings of the other person...the answer: I-2, person-0. {play}- Lesson #1 in unconditional love: its about loving the person, not what do I get out of it! Duh!  Thats like... the definition!  Anyway over the last couple of days I have been "staying down", assessing the damage to my head, gut, and heart and decided it was only my ego that was injured.  Lesson #2 no ego involved in unconditional love.  And so the learning continues...

I'm writing today, because I want to fight back at the voice that wants me to stay down!  I am getting back up and trying again.

Sherri Dew says this about identity:

"There is nothing more vital to our success here than learning to hear the voice of the {Holy}spirit.  It is the Spirit who reveals to us our identity-which isn't just who we are but who we have always been.  And that when we know, our lives take on a sense of purpose so stunning that we can never be the same again.  Our spirits long for us to remember the truth about who we are, because the way we see ourselves, our sense of identity, affects everything we do.  It affects the way we behave, the way we respond to uncertainty, the way we see others, the way we feel about ourselves, and the way we make choices.  It affects the very way we live our lives". (Dew, Knowing Who You Are--and Who You Have Always Been, BYU 2001 Women's Conference)

I want to discover and KNOW who I really am, what I can do in this world to make it better.  I want that to change me, change how I live, make choices, how I see others...I want it to affect everything in my life!  I guess it will only come through trial and error and thorough research, making note of what works and what doesn't.  Here's to breaking wide open!!!!! AND to never being the same again!!!!