“It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.”
― Gordon B. Hinckley
I wrote this on the plane to Arizona. I'm meeting up with my parents, who are returning from their 18 month mission in the Philippines! It was an emotionally charged 4 hours. I was listening to my somber, angry break-up music after watching the movie they showed on the plane. The comedy made me cry...why? Well, its because part of the movie focused on a child who "screwed" up his life: poor grades, detentions, suspensions, and by the 11th grade had a GPA of 1.2. His Senior year he stumbled upon a new school and teachers who believed in him. This particular child was unique because of his level of intelligence. An avid reader from age 8, a self guided learner, driven by instinct to learn and to teach himself! Long story short, this young man scored incredibly well on all his AP exams, without taking AP courses, and received almost a perfect score on the SAT! All this kid wanted was to attend Princeton University and no one on the committee wanted him, "he couldn't handle the academic pressures, he wouldn't fit in here." One person on the committee fought for this young man, "He is exceptional!", only to be rejected by the rest of the committee.
This story is fabricated and dramatized, but I was struck and moved, both wanting to give my vote for the young man...Give him a chance! His past, his experience has made him stronger and better equipped to handle the pressure of your University! And by my desire to have someone, who against all odds, all my mistakes and screw ups would choose to go to bat for me too.
In a stream of thoughts, I felt to write specifically about this. It is very real, its one of my own and felt it was time to share it. First of all for myself, to remind me of who I am and to remind me of where I've been and where I am now. Second, and perhaps more important, for the person who needs to hear that life, with all its challenges and CRAP... is really worth living!
This last year in Michigan has been flooded with doubt, and fear. I feel I have come a loooong way and have put many things behind me that have haunted my life, and now...well, let's just say I am having to re-learn how to "walk" in many ways. After living a certain way: hiding, running away, avoiding everything hard. Having moved ahead or on from plagues of the past, its difficult to re-program my brain...my heart to believe that I'm okay or really what it is, is I am okay even if I mess up! I've been bombarded with urging from family, and friends to move closer to family, "Maybe you should move on, we can help you here, you gave it your best Dot...you gave it your best." I haven't had a steady job this year, which makes things a little interesting financially sometimes, and other "plans" or hopes of things I wanted to accomplish or have happen never came about...not even close. I have very seriously considered the "options" and in my search for answers kept coming back to this particular time in my life that was very obviously a mistake.
Reno, Nevada, 2008 at approximately 4am, I called my mother. All dark forces combined against me, the weight too great to bare, I was all alone severely depressed, hopeless. No one would ever love me, I could never be forgiven...I'm nobody, what I do doesn't matter, it would just be better for everyone if I wasn't here. I tried so hard to be good, to be somebody worthy of love. I failed. I just want to die. I just want it all to end and I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. I can do it! It will be easy! I can take the pills I have in the bathroom and just fall asleep...no more pain...I want to do it.
I could barely get words out when my Mom answered the phone. All I could get out between sobs,
Me: "Can I come home? Please, I just want to come home....just let me come home.
Mom: "Yes, of course you can come home. What's wrong? What happened?
Me: "I want to die, I don't want to do this anymore, can I just come home...I want to come home!"
My mother was able to calm me down and talk me through so I could sleep. The next day I immediately began making plans to leave Reno and move to Chicago. In the weeks that followed, I had this tugging feeling in my heart to stay in Reno...just stick it out Dot. My Mom met me in Kaysville, Utah, and we drove the two day trip to Chicago. I don't remember anything we talked about on the road trip, just that same tugging in my mind and heart...you can turn around and go back, its not too late! At home it was business as usual, all the while knowing and feeling all over...I had made a mistake. I went to visit my Dad at work and before he could even say hello, I was in tears, "I think I made a mistake, I think I need to go back to Reno." He just gave me a hug, with a crooked grin, shaking his head which means, Okay, whatever you say you crazy girl. Soooo, I went back to Reno! And for the next two and a half years had some great experiences and adventures. I met one the greatest guys, EVER, who became one of my greatest friends. He taught me about courage and fun for the sake of just having fun...I love him and miss him. Work was a great reward, the kids I loved with all my heart, and in the process of just time and days of just doing...moving, I somehow created a life for myself. Since that time I have never really called a place home.
I moved to Chicago and never really settled in there. I feel like that was my window to treasure and cherish my family. To really improve relationships with some of them. They all left the area and through a series of what can only be described as miracles and divine intervention, I moved to Michigan. When I was driving back to Chicago, after a brief visit to Michigan...I just knew it was my home.
So to anyone wondering if I am moving to Arizona, or anywhere else from the great state of Michigan...the answer is NO!!! It would be a mistake. I would be turning my back on everything that has happened up to now in my life. It would erase all the hard, the tears, the suffering...climbing up a mountain only to turn back just feet away from the Summit. Oh, the glorious view that awaits, and I would miss it. So NO! Not a chance. I'm staying, sticking it out. Knowing God has brought me this far and He will continue to climb with me! I'm not giving up and turning back this time. Argh! I just want to scream at everyone, "I'm not broken, Is this all you will ever see? I'm stronger than you think I am. With God all things are possible and with Him, I can reach the Summit! I can restore and repair mistakes of the past and create and become great...and be good. It's already begun! I certainly don't want the transformation to cease...I want my butterfly wings!" I suppose it may be more useful to say this to myself, while awkwardly looking at myself in the mirror, instead of yelling at everyone else...
I never again considered suicide. I got help, it was not an over night fix. It took a very long time for me to believe and to see the hope and love others had for me. I am grateful my Mother answered the phone that night and many other nights and days!!! I am grateful my parents have and still continue to be willing to go along on the ride with me without judgement or criticism.
I know many people reading this have had experiences with friends, family and loved ones who have taken their own lives. I wish that was something that none of us ever knew about. I wish it was something I could change. There are never any real answers only more questions and a lot of "what if". My heart aches along with yours, wishing somehow we could get them back. I do know that God has a special greeting for them, one of love, safety and healing. There are just no words to ever make it better...no words can do that.
For those of you who are reading who want to die...I get it. I really, really wanted it! I am glad it never happened. I am glad I am alive. Courage and bravery is talked about sometimes like its something you can pick up at the nearest CVS or Walgreens. But, when you are surrounded my darkness, loud, screeching, terrible voices and you can't breath because its so thick...and you're paralyzed with fear, well, courage and bravery are scarce. It comes at a price you just can't pay to get it. Just be still, call out to God for help and wait out the darkness, it will eventually find another place to go...I promise. The light will come, perhaps imperceptible at first, but it will continue to find place in you if you allow it to grow. Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP! Please!! Don't give up! My life has not necessarily gotten easier, but it has gotten better! Don't give up!
I think we all feel "little" at times, some more than others, and even feel we just don't have enough to keep going. Fuel that little spark , if thats all you have, focus on it, nurture it, and build it, until its hot enough to create the steam to move. Don't give up! Sometimes in life, we just can't explain what we feel or what we "know", we just know it and feel it! Everyone always will have an opinion, something to say about our choices...our journey and we just won't be able to find the words to adequately describe to others "why", and we just keep going, and sometimes we just have to go it alone because sometimes doing what is right will require that.
For the rest of you...if you get a call at 4am, answer it! If you feel like maybe you should talk to someone...Do it! You will never regret an act of kindness and you never know who you might save...
Life is worth living, and I can say that even when things are not really going my way right now! Life is worth living and risks are worth taking. Spoken from someone who has taken many risks...AND still hoping to get it right and acquire the desired results!
Always look for the exceptional. It. Is. Always. There! In yourself and in others...it is always there!
My Mom has told me a time or two that I am like The Little Engine That Could, I just keep going. Well, I don't know where I'm headed, but, I know I am on the right "track".
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