The Worthless

“We sometimes confuse sin with sinner, and we condemn too quickly and with too little compassion. We know from modern revelation that ‘the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.’ We cannot gauge the worth of another soul any more than we can measure the span of the universe. Every person we meet is a VIP to our Heavenly Father. Once we understand that, we can begin to understand how we should treat our fellowmen.” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, You Are My Hands, May 2010 Ensign)

This is something that has consumed my thoughts lately, and I have wanted to address it directly, but have struggled with my own views, feelings and words to be able to do it.  I was in the middle of my workout today and had to stop and write after reading a post on Facebook, of all places.

Have you ever wondered where your individual worth comes from?  What is it that creates worth in someone? And what determines who has more worth than another?  In asking these questions, I imagine most everyone would respond, well of course, everyone has value! No one person is more valuable than another!  And yet in this idealistic declaration, do we honor this so called "value or worth" of each life here on this earth?  Do we really believe what we say?  Do I really believe what I say?  I would always contest with anyone who would say to the contrary that someone is worthless.  Only because if one person is worthless that would open the possibility that I was also worthless.  Something I have often felt and battled more that I want to admit.  I would defend the "worthless" because I myself didn't want to believe I was "worthless".  But am I true to this assertion?  Do I really believe that each person has great value? What has spurred such a debate in my head and heart?

Just a short...but long 5 months ago, I moved to California.  Why? Well, it was absolutely unplanned and an unwanted endeavor.  However, it was something I felt moved upon to do.  It was the next transfer of my mission here in this life.  I now spend my days in prison.  Yep, you read correctly, prison!  It is a level 4 facility(which houses the most dangerous), and within this prison, I work specifically in the unit called Administrative Segregation or as it is so loving refered to, "the prison within a prison".  This is where the inmates who "can't play nice" with the other inmates or staff are sent.  They are considered the worst of the worst of individuals that exist in this world.  They can't go anywhere without an escort of one or two officers and if they are not in a cell, they always wear handcuffs and ankle chains.  I spend my days with murderers, rapists, thief's, child abusers, liars, manipulators, and con-artists. My first day, and everyday since, I pray for help and for protection.

What does a prison look like?  Well in this particular instance movies are fairly accurate.  High electric fences with watch towers, and several check points where they check my I.D and bags.  I then make a long walk to my office and to the unit where the inmates live.  It takes about 20 minutes from car to desk.  At one check point, I am given an alarm that I have to wear everywhere and a whistle in case I am at a location where the alarm would not activate, such as walking from one building to another.   In my unit I have to wear a vest any time I am with the inmates to protect me from a possible stabbing.

The prospect of working in this environment was terrifying.  There were many nights I would be up crying, feeling I just couldn't go back tomorrow, I can't do this.  I would pray for God's help and protection because I knew and still know that I could not do this relying upon my own wit, knowledge, instincts, or courage.

Interestingly enough, about a week before I started, I began to pray God would bless me to love them.  I wanted to see them as He saw them, I wanted to feel about them the way He feels about them.  I knew I could never accomplish anything if I was filled with fear, judgement, and hate.  It would destroy me.

One of the groups I recently facilitated with the inmates was on forgiveness.  We were watching a documentary that highlighted several "real life" tragedies and discussed concepts on possible ways to heal.  In the video, one of the women introduced the idea of separating actions from the person, the sin from the sinner.  I stopped the video, desperately wanting to discuss this idea with the inmates.  Did they know what this means?  Have they ever heard this idea before?  Did they agree? Plant the seed Dot.  My first question to them:

Me: "Do you believe that its possible to see someone and measure them separate from what it is that they do?
Inmates: "Yes"
Me:"Do you believe that every person on this earth has value independent of circumstance, position, race, or economic status?"
Inmates:"Yes"
(Note to self, ask open ended questions!)

I then began asking them to imagine or to examine their own worth, and to reflect on what they feel has made them who they are.  Then I asked one final question, "What do you think or imagine would change in the world if every. single. person. was treated as though they were truly valuable?  What would that world look like?"  Each of them silently seem to consider the question.  A few of them mumbled an almost inaudible answer, "...be different."  A few with raised eye brows, "it would change everything," while still pensive, with contemplative looks on their faces as if still examining what the real answer would look like, knowing somehow their answers didn't quite cover everything they were thinking and feeling.

Each of us knows keenly what it is to be treated as though we were invisible or perhaps even worse, like we didn't matter.  So if we all know what it is like, and how it feels, and the impact it has, and desire never to be treated that way ever again...then why is it that we so casually ignore or brush each other off?  Sometimes we are even deliberately cruel, feeling that it is necessary in order to get our point across.

I bring this up because there are two schools of thought at the prison.  One: These men are evil and are not worth the air they breath, and the world would be better off without them.  One of my first weeks working there, I was working with an officer who was not shy about the disgust he felt and his desire, if he could, to line them up and using a firing squad, in a simple count of three, eliminate each and every one of them.

There are a handful of others who comprise the second school of thought:  There is hope and we can help.  We are not going to be inviting these men over for dinner any time soon...or ever, but these are men who in many, if not all cases were born, raised, experienced, and taught "this is how it is kid.  If you don't do this, you won't survive."  I am not going to dive into the psychological warfare that goes into all this, I am simply presenting the simplicity of a principle...a universal truth.

In my short...but long 5 months, I have laughed more than felt scared, threatened, frustrated, or used.  I have received cooking ideas, poems, raps, heard beautiful singing voices, seen true artists, writers, experienced intelligent conversation, been treated with respect, seen loving fathers, and brothers.  I have witnessed and experienced the value of the sinner separate of the sin.  I have loved the sinner and not the sin.  What these men have done is wrong.  However, I am not going to treat them as though they are worthless, they are not.  They have as much value as I do.  I do not trust them, but I do feel love for them.  I see them as they can become.  I often wonder about the impact that each of these men have had in this world.  Could it be possible that each of their paths could have been altered because of kindness or a compassionate, patient act?  Could the trend of violence, abuse, theft, fear, desperation change by simple, very small contacts we have with one another each day?

The worst of the worst...thats who I spend my days with. They have taught me more about being like Christ, more about the real value we each have in the eyes of God.  My goal is not to rehabilitate or to change them. I know I can't do that. However, I can treat them with love, and compassion. Give joy, respect and create safe boundaries. I can encourage and empower the very best that has laid dormant in them.  I can awaken that in them. Something they never had the opportunity to experience before.  For the first time, I want them to experience and know the difference.  Then, each of them can understand the choice they have in front of them...who they can become.  Once you've experienced being in the light, it is more difficult to be comfortable remaining in the dark. They are in prison, but have not lost the opportunity to know who they are. Each day I make mistakes, It isn't easy to always love those who would constantly do you harm.  It's almost an impossible thing to imagine loving your enemy, until you are face to face with him, and have to work along side him.  There is always hope!  There is always love!  There is always a choice!  Remember the person who is beside you, in front of you, driving next to you, on the phone with you, on the other side of the tracks as you....they want what you want.  To be treated as though they matter,  as though they are of great value.   Don't let the routine of days after  more days erase what makes this earth beautiful.  Stop and admire the unique, remarkable people around you, and have the courage to pick up the heads that are down, give strength to the feeble and weak of heart, and to raise up the down trodden.  Good Luck!  We can do it!  We are ALL worth the effort!

What A Beautiful Scar? Where Did You Get It?

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” 

― Kahlil Gibran

Some of you might be wondering if the title is correct, let me assure you it is!

I often have conversations with my roommates, friends, and family to compare our strength of wit, physical prowess...you know the banter back and forth about who is better and who can do it better!  We compare our bruises and scars and tell grand stories about where they come from.  It is a symbol of adventure, courage and strength!  Coming home after playing volleyball or basketball with floors burns and bruises means that you actually played the game ferociously, without regret and you have a mark to prove it!  To show to the world you have conquered, maybe not the enemy, but you have overcome that weak part of yourself for just a few moments when nothing mattered to you but to give it your all!

I have also had conversations with friends who talk so negatively about their scars and stretch marks or lines on their face.  They talk of plastic surgery, or wish their "marks" away.  They are "ugly", it makes them "ugly".  Every time I hear this I wonder why. Why would you wish your life away?  Each one is an experience, a story of love lost or won.  A vacation, an adventure, a loss, a battle fought, children, a victory!  Each line represents knowledge, understanding, compassion, pain, love and laughter!  Why would you want to wish away the road map of how you became who you are!?  I can have long conversations with myself;)

Several years ago while I was living in Utah some friends and I went camping up in Little Cottonwood Canyon and decided to hike to Mirror Lake or White Lake...something like that I think?  Anyway when we got up in the morning we got started. It was a 4 mile hike which meant a total of 8 miles there and back.  I was afraid, but I didn't want to say anything to anyone.  I wasn't sure I could make it. I pretended I was all for it and totally psyched to get started. I remember the trip was in May, but at a certain point in the hike it got wet from snow run off and as we continued upwards there was snow, lots of it!  We were all in shorts and t-shirts.
 As we ascended the air got cooler but the sun was warm, a perfect combination that day.  At certain points when we'd stop to rest for a bit I would close my eyes and look upward towards the sun wanting to gain strength and courage to keep going.  I love to feel the heat on my face.  At the final stretch, we had to climb a staircase of snow up a glacier, created only by those who had gone before us.  People ahead of us who had made it to the lake just skied or sled down!
On our way down we had to cross a part of trail completely covered with snow and it was at a steep edge.  I took one step and began to slip.  I lost my footing and sat down.  I did not want to move too quickly because I knew one false move and I would be headed down quickly on the snow to the rocks.  It didn't help that I was wearing pants that zip off at the knee for shorts and made of very slick material.  I slowly tried to position both feet against the hard snow and slowly turn toward my friends behind me back on the trail.  As I began to turn and reach towards a friend the snow below me broke free and I started sliding, very quickly.  I shoved my hands into the hard snow hoping to slow myself and even grab onto something below the surface of the snow.  I kept my toes pointed up and tried to dig my feet in as deep as I could to try to stop myself, but it was no use.  All I was doing was cutting myself against the icy snow.  My friend jumped from the trail and ran along side me to try to help me.  I just kept my eyes on what was ahead...rocks!  I came to an abrupt stop about 10 feet down when my foot finally hit a rock barely visible above the snow.  I was breathing very quickly and heavily.  My friend came over and grabbed my hands and I flinched.  My hands and arms felt like they were on fire!  He pulled me up and started to ask me if I was hurt, all I could feel was the sensation of cold and hot at the same time on my legs, hands and arms.  I had numerous small cuts from the ice.  Other than those I was free from injury so we continued our journey and laughed about it as we trekked down.  I had survived the 8 mile hike and I had the scars as a witness of my journey.

The last few months have been a challenge for me.  I am filled with anger and I loose patience very quickly.  I find myself in a room with a group of my favorite people and I am physically unable to laugh with them.  I want to leave.  I often think about how my depression with melancholic feature B, PMDD, blah blah blah...get in the way.  They literally prevent certain things from taking place.  I often wonder how or who I would be without my deficiencies.   I wish I just understood it all.  I just want to do it all the best way possible and I hardly ever feel that that is accomplished.  I want to do everything that God wants me to do and I know I'm not doing that when I shut myself off from the world and all its possibilities because I lack motivation, or I'm afraid of doing it wrong and getting into trouble and being rejected and disappointing anyone.  I couldn't possibly be fulfilling the measure of my creation, by doing nothing or hiding in fear.  I fight so hard against my depression and anxiety because they are such a liability, a burden and in my opinion get in the way of becoming or being who I really am or meant to be.  They disrupt and prevent so much.  I get angry at myself for allowing it so much power over me, I hate myself for it.  There are days I am even angry at God for it.  I have had many conversations in prayer trying to convince Father in Heaven how much more of a profitable servant I would be if this were gone, if I could just be healed.  It is a constant war.  Some battles I win and some I lose.

I was reading the other night in an attempt to console myself and the author, Brad Wilcox, told this story, I will paraphrase.
A young man was trouble and wanted to speak with him (Brad Wilcox).  The young man was distraught by his flaws and mistakes...sins from his past.  He was feeling ashamed and hypocritical.  Brad Wilcox remembering an analogy he had heard years earlier, pulled out a marble egg that had been used for decorations and gave this response to this young man,"Look at the marble.  Isn't it beautiful?"
The young man agreed.
"What makes it beautiful is not that it is free from imperfections.  If it were clear and white, with no flaws, it would look plastic and artificial.  The marble is beautiful and useful because of the dark veins, not in spite of them.  When we repent, our sins are gone, but the memories linger, just like these dark lines.  However, as we keep our covenants and experience the sanctifying influence of the Spirit, it is as if those dark lines are polished over time.  They actually become part of our beauty...One day,...you too will be beautiful--just like the marble--not because you have no dark, jagged memories in your mind, but literally because you do"(The Continuous Atonement, Wilcox, 193-94).  After I read this I thought, I found my hope!

Our Savior, Jesus Christ, is perfect AND He has scars!  Scars that are a symbol of His love, His sacrifice, and the He overcame!  Because of His scars He knows what I feel in my darkest corners and he can comfort and help me there.  Scars, be it emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual are marks of character building, and when we use the Atonement we become like our Heavenly Father because of the scars, not in spite of them.  They are also a continuous reminder of the beauty of the Atonement.

I had the thought the other night, What would my life look like if I believed I was good?  How would that change the way I do things?  How would it change the way I treat others, if I simply acted as though I believed I was good?

Power does not come in perfection, power comes in a choice to act, to move.  It is not the outcome, but the action that matters.  I can act and choose to not let my weakness win.  I can choose to be more compassionate and loving.  I can choose to be true to my word.  I can choose to be honest.  I can choose to raise a voice against evil.  I can choose to ask for help. I can choose to be one more person who does good.  Even if nothing changes around me, I am still a good person doing good things and it will change me!
I remembered I have a marble egg in storage I received from a friend.  I pulled it out and placed on my desk as a reminder of my beautiful lines and scars.  I dwell so much on the dark and ugly and forget the purpose in them, that they are the things that are going to CREATE holiness and MAKE me beautiful...make me better.  " the marble is beautiful and useful because of the dark veins, not in spite of them...they actually become part of our beauty."(194)  There is always a choice in our experience.  It can change us to make us better or to make us bitter.  Each scar can carve in its place greater compassion, wisdom, and love.  Each blow, every hit,  is sculpting me.  Most days I am looking forward to how it turns out.  The good news is I can DO something about how I  turn out with all the carving and sculpting!  I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and to change...a beauty tip in marble, who'd have guessed?

The Best Teachers

"Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."

Benjamin Franklin

It's 1:30 in the morning.  My head is full and so is my heart.  I keep envisioning the year ahead with all its possibilities...for good and bad.  One aspect of my life that requires attention and much effort is school.  I imagine greeting the kids at school after the two week break. Asking them a billion questions because I want to know everything they did. I want to give them all big hugs.  I can't believe how much I miss seeing them everyday, and watching them in all of their pre-teen glory.  They act as though they have it all figured out.  It drives me crazy the amount of time they correct me on how to be a better teacher, or about how to handle difficult situations.  I often want to react, Cool it kid! Just sit down and shut up and your life will be a whole lot easier.  The reality of that is that it will be easier for me and easier isn't always better.  I know on the inside they are whirling with questions, hormones and insecurities. I've been reflecting on my first part of the year with them and I think I've spent too much time feeding that ugly animal in them.  The truth is they don't need me to tell them what to do ALL the time.  They need me to love them.  Isn't that really how we all grow is when someone takes the time to notice us and nourish us?

My junior year of high school we were given the assignment to write a comparative essay about the book we just finished, Of Mice and Men.  I think I choose to compare two different relationships in the book.  When I got the paper back I got a C-.  I was not very happy about it.  I believed I had worked hard, even done my best.  I didn't want to ask for help, even though I needed it badly.  I was behind in skill and even comprehension.  The previous year, I passed english class with a D!  I had gone to my teacher for help and she would miss our appointments, or blow me off when I tried to catch her after class.  I even took my mom with me before school one time and she was a no show! She would give me a brief response to my questions, which often left me more confused. She was one of the worst teachers I have ever had.  She never left her chair behind the desk, and most days she would talk about Beevis and Butthead ( a popular TV show at the time), which I thought, at 15, was highly inappropriate.  I knew because that was something we were strictly forbidden to watch!  Its funny to me that even at 15 I was eager to be taught and inpatient with the process.  Some things never change;)

It was my American Literature teacher, Jeff Krause, who changed learning for me.  It was his first year of teaching and he was amazing!  After my devastating blow, he offered to the whole class an opportunity for a re-write.  I took it home and looked over his comments for revision and what I needed to change and made the necessary adjustments, not considering taking it to the next level for improvement. I took it back the next day.  The following day after class he gave it back to me and said,"that's better, is it your best?"  He then invited me to see him after school.  I sat by his desk, very nervous about his feedback for me.  It was quite obvious the struggles I was having.  I always liked my English classes and found it thrilling to dissect characters and plots.  Writing was hard for me, and I needed someone to show me how to do it!  I was worried all he would have to say would be negative.

He put my paper out in front of us and began going through each page and making suggestions, "try this, or read this out loud, does it make sense to put it here or does it go somewhere else in the paper?"  He talked with me for about 30 minutes and then said, "go home and see what you can do and bring it back to me tomorrow."  I was amazed, that he would offer his time like that to me.  This process continued everyday for a week.  At the end of the week we were all to hand in our final revisions for a grade, but he had us do this individually by appointment.  I went in that Monday morning nervous for what he would say.  I hadn't ever worked like this on a writing assignment and I really wanted him to feel like it was good enough for...say, like a B?  He pulled out my paper and I initially did not see any red markings, nor did I see a grade.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Hello!  Well what do you think about your paper?"  I was totally confused.  "Uh", was my response.  He asked again, "what do you think about your paper?"  I had nothing really to base my answer on.  Certainly I had never actually written anything that was really good before.  I muttered something about working hard and it was better than the C- paper I handed in.  Surely it had to better than what I started with, I thought.  Then he asked an even more incredible question, "what do you think your grade should be?"  I smiled at him like, look mister! You're the teacher, and I have no idea what grade I should get on this paper.  He must have picked up on my feelings because he asked the question again but rephrased it.  "Okay, what grade do you think you deserve?" I was truly puzzled, but I wanted to figure out what it was that he wanted from me by the question, so I thought about it for several minutes.  I knew I had done what he had asked me to do at every step, and I had been faithful in going to see him for help, and I had worked hard.  My thoughts told me not to say more than a B, a B is good, a B is good.  Then I blurted out, "I think I deserve an A!  I worked hard on this paper, its a good paper..."

He smiled at me and softly giggled.  I was at the edge of my seat waiting to see how he would respond.  Of course every kid in class would be coming to him wanting an A, why would he give one to me?
"Dot", he said," you did an excellent job on this paper, it is very good and I also think you deserve an A".
 "Really"?! I said.
"Yes, really"!  Again he softly chuckled.

I just sat there as he wrote the A on top of my paper, I couldn't take my eyes off of it.  I was smiling from ear to ear and felt this ball of emotion in my throat.  I shoved it down and began to thank him over and over and over again for all his time and for all his help.  Mr. Krause opened up the world to me, and I've loved to write ever since.

I have always wanted to be a teacher like that.  He was one of the reasons I wanted to be a teacher.
Being in unfamiliar territory, I want to control it, even the outcomes of what I do and say.  I think I've been making the kids feel like whatever they do for me just isn't good enough.  The reality is is that what they do isn't good enough, but thats because I don't take the time necessary to notice them and nourish them.  Most of them are working at it and improving.  90% of the kids I work with are two grade levels behind, and they really struggle.  I want them to pick up after themselves, and keep their shirts tucked in (uniform standard), and to say mine instead of mines!  The list could go on and on about what they are not doing, but that's not really what matters.  I need to notice their strengths and nourish the areas where they are weak.

One of the goals I set this year was to reach out to one person everyday.  Not someone I live with, or someone that I normally and naturally attach myself to, but someone that I struggle to connect to and get along with...So, if you get a call...

I know that I can do better with my students to at least have them want to come to class, and feel comfortable asking questions and then allow the rest to fall into place.
I really struggle to step outside of my personal bubble or to let anyone inside that bubble.  That little bit of a ripple is chaos.  So in an effort to transform, I am doing it!  To shake me up and to hopefully improve the atmosphere with my students.  We don't change without somehow changing the people around us, and I want to make sure that I am making that change for good! After all, to get anywhere with anyone we need love and compassion.

I really, really struggle with my social anxiety, and personal insecurities and only when someone has put forth the effort in someway to let me know it was okay to take a step forward is when I have been able to really leap from where I'm at, and be open to listening to changes that I have needed to make.

  I have learned so much more from those who have opened themselves up to me, and explained life, asked me questions, put an arm around me and walked with me for a while, then from anyone just telling me what to do, or reading about how to change.  I am truly grateful to those people who have come and gone, and who are now a part of my life who have taken me by the hand, or given me a gentle nudge and said here let me show you, and then given me the chance to try it.  It is those small and simple acts, that truly last forever!

I need to stop getting motivated and inspired to write in the middle of the night!!!

In Between

"...We would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most. Let us be mindful of the foundational precepts our Heavenly Father has given to His children that will establish the basis of a rich and fruitful mortal life with promises of eternal happiness. They will teach us to do “all these things … in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that [we] should run faster than [we have] strength. [But] it is expedient that [we] should be diligent, [and] thereby … win the prize.” 

-President Deiter F. Uchtdorf

It's only Tuesday...
I'm sitting in bed and I have this feeling of I can't wait...but for what?  Why would I be feeling anticipation for something that isn't there?  I ask myself all the standard questions:
-Did I forget something?
-What's happening this weekend?
-What is happening at school this week?
-Did I plan everything I needed to for the week?
I mentally go through conversations and who I saw over the last few days and analyze what I did to make sure I don't need to call to apologize for something or clarify etc.

Oh good grief!  Turn it off Dot!

I was in the grocery store the other day quickly passing the check outs to get where I needed to be and something occurred to me as I caught glimpses of headlines.  These stories are all horrific, terrible or extremely happy news at the "peak" or "highs".  For example princess Kate and her new baby, or a natural disaster and the climbing death toll or a suicide or overdose.  I was uncomfortable...what about everything in between?  What about the everyday victories and mistakes that we disregard because they don't fit into these two categories of "news worthy".  I have often in conversation exchange the "how are you"?  And "what's new or exciting in your life"?  I have often responded by saying, "oh I have nothing to report, my life is boring right now".  Or thinking to myself I wish I had something to talk about with people.  I stand around listening in social gatherings wishing I had something to contribute and feel that I don't because whatever I say isn't funny or profound.  I've even struggled to write regularly on this blog because I needed something that would change or affect people for it to be worthy of writing about.  No one will read it if it doesn't mean anything.  I guess people read stuff that doesn't matter all the time though huh?

In the last couple of days this thought has stayed with me and I have been paying particular attention to what I do each day.  Yesterday instead of opting to do yoga alone, I went with my roommate to our complex to exercise.  We talked!  She was on the elliptical and I was attempting push-ups and stretching.  We just talked.  I missed her.  It's amazing(as many of you know) how you can live with someone and never see them.  I told her about my thoughts over the last few days and what some of my insights and goals were.  She told me about what was happening at work as of late and other things that were happening for her.  We communicated our everyday "stuff" and I was reminded why I was so lucky to be her roommate.

At work I was walking along the side wall and ran into the side of the whiteboard and tore my pants.  It was in front of my students.  It took me a minute to find the courage to look down and assess the damage and the level of embarrassment that would be appropriate for the situation. I think my initial gasp and horrified face were more severe than the tear, but it entertained the kids for a moment.  I also noticed along the way during the day that my shirt was unraveling at the bottom.  One of the kids pointed out that, "You have something on your butt!"  Thank goodness for 7th graders or I would not know right from left;)
There is a kid at school who has already taken a liking to me and wants to talk with me all the time and get my input on what he's doing.  Currently he is getting ready to run for Vice-President!  He had me read his speech and I gave him a few pointers and told him I was glad he was doing it!  In contrast I have a list of about 15 students who's parents I will be emailing and calling out of concern for what their child is doing, or not doing in class.  Oh, and I still don't know how to use the electronic gradebook!

Saturday I started choir practice.  At 7:30 in the morning!  I don't get up for things at 7:30 in the morning on Saturdays but this I am making an exception for.  I haven't sung in an organized group like this since high school and the opportunity just fell into my lap after singing in church one week.  Some of the choir members said I should try out and that they would recommend me and just like that, now I have choir practice EVERY Saturday morning at 7:30 am for two whole hours!!!  We've started practicing for our Christmas concerts.  There was a brief moment while singing I had to stop.  Everything went on as normal, however I was keenly aware of the sound, my surroundings and the miracle of my even being there.  I got a little emotional and then the moment passed and I started singing again.  This is one of those things that feels a bit... shall we say over my head!  I am trying to sing alto, which historically I've strictly been a soprano.  I want to learn more about reading music and improving my ear so I chose to do it this way.  I tried really hard on Saturday to listen carefully to what was being played and to the people around me.  Several times I caught myself singing tenor or with the sopranos.  I loved it and giggled to myself much of the time.

My favorite people in the world are my family!  Just a month ago several of us late one night were playing a game.  I started laughing and for those who know me, when I am laughing HARD you can't hear anything or if there is sound its wheezing.  I was laughing hard!  I couldn't tell you the reason, I just wanted to.  Well, my mother joined in because well she can.  She was laughing at me, which made the situation more absurd which made me laugh even more!  My mother and I had tears streaming down our faces.  I am wheezing and my mom's laugh is in a word LOUD!  I think screaming is occasionally involved. My family continued to play as if this was something to simply be ignored as it happens regularly, AND  for no reason, and soooo it should be ignored.

I have a nephew who is not really prone to affection.  He enjoys it just as much as the next person, he is just a little choosy.  I was walking up to his door after taking he and his brother inside from the park.  He got to the top of the stairs first and when I got there he turned around with a huge smile on his face like he had just discovered gravity or something!  He walked over to me and without saying anything raised his arms, as children do, when they want to be picked up, so I did.  He wrapped his arms around me and put his head on my shoulder and squeezed tight.  This went on for several minutes.  This coming from a kid who it was difficult to get a fist pump from when I would leave the house.

My nephews brother is somewhat of a dare-devil (okay that was understated) and just about a year ago his head was bigger than his body.  He would often explore the house at a speed that he was unable to maintain and would run into walls and doors constantly.  He would get back up with a smile on his face and go it again, like this time I am going to get it right!  One time all I heard from the other room was a thud.  You KNOW the sound. If you are at a bowling alley and someone drops their ball as opposed to rolling it???  Well it was my little man going the course again and he had landed on his head this time.  I yelled from the other room, "Someone dropped their bowling ball!"  My brother(nephews dad) laughed.  Whenever we heard that sound we would say someone dropped their bowling ball...

The glory of ordinary days.

Those everyday moments that are ignored and diminished because I am thinking about what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day or 6 months from now.  I could go on and on about the simplicity of moments that I wish would never end.  You know the ones...the ones that make life feel as though you have acquired great wealth!

How often we throw away our "flecks of gold".

Flecks of Gold

The Little Engine...

“It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.” 

― Gordon B. Hinckley

I wrote this on the plane to Arizona. I'm meeting up with my parents, who are returning from their 18 month mission in the Philippines!  It was an emotionally charged 4 hours.  I was listening to my somber, angry break-up music after watching the movie they showed on the plane.  The comedy made me cry...why? Well, its because part of the movie focused on a child who "screwed" up his life: poor grades, detentions, suspensions, and by the 11th grade had a GPA of 1.2.  His Senior year he stumbled upon a new school and teachers who believed in him.  This particular child was unique because of his level of intelligence.  An avid reader from age 8, a self guided learner, driven by instinct to learn and to teach himself!  Long story short, this young man scored incredibly well on all his AP exams, without taking AP courses, and received almost a perfect score on the SAT!  All this kid wanted was to attend Princeton University and no one on the committee wanted him, "he couldn't handle the academic pressures,  he wouldn't fit in here."  One person on the committee fought for this young man, "He is exceptional!", only to be rejected by the rest of the committee.

This story is fabricated and dramatized, but I was struck and moved, both wanting to give my vote for the young man...Give him a chance! His past, his experience has made him stronger and better equipped to handle the pressure of your University!  And by my desire to have someone, who against all odds, all my mistakes and screw ups would choose to go to bat for me too.

In a stream of thoughts, I felt to write specifically about this.  It is very real, its one of my own and felt it was time to share it.  First of all for myself, to remind me of who I am and to remind me of where I've been and where I am now.  Second, and perhaps more important, for the person who needs to hear that life, with all its challenges and CRAP... is really worth living!

This last year in Michigan has been flooded with doubt, and fear.  I feel I have come a loooong way and have put many things behind me that have haunted my life, and now...well, let's just say I am having to re-learn how to "walk" in many ways.  After living a certain way: hiding, running away, avoiding everything hard.  Having moved ahead or on from plagues of the past, its difficult to re-program my brain...my heart to believe that I'm okay or really what it is, is I am okay even if I mess up!  I've been bombarded with urging from family, and friends to move closer to family, "Maybe you should move on, we can help you here, you gave it your best Dot...you gave it your best."  I haven't had a steady job this year, which makes things a little interesting financially sometimes, and other "plans" or hopes of things I wanted to accomplish or have happen never came about...not even close.   I have very seriously considered the "options" and in my search for answers kept coming back to this particular time in my life that was very obviously a mistake.

Reno, Nevada, 2008 at approximately 4am, I called my mother.  All dark forces combined against me, the weight too great to bare, I was all alone severely depressed, hopeless.  No one would ever love me, I could never be forgiven...I'm nobody, what I do doesn't matter, it would just be better for everyone if I wasn't here.  I tried so hard to be good, to be somebody worthy of love.  I failed.  I just want to die.  I just want it all to end and I wouldn't have to suffer anymore.  I can do it!  It will be easy!  I can take the pills I have in the bathroom and just fall asleep...no more pain...I want to do it.
I could barely get words out when my Mom answered the phone.  All I could get out between sobs,

Me: "Can I come home?  Please, I just want to come home....just let me come home.

Mom: "Yes, of course you can come home.  What's wrong?  What happened?

Me:  "I want to die, I don't want to do this anymore, can I just come home...I want to come home!"

My mother was able to calm me down and talk me through so I could sleep.  The next day I immediately began making plans to leave Reno and move to Chicago.  In the weeks that followed, I had this tugging feeling in my heart to stay in Reno...just stick it out Dot.  My Mom met me in Kaysville, Utah, and we drove the two day trip to Chicago.  I don't remember anything we talked about on the road trip, just that same tugging in my mind and heart...you can turn around and go back, its not too late!  At home it was business as usual,  all the while knowing and feeling all over...I had made a mistake. I went to visit my Dad at work and before he could even say hello, I was in tears,  "I think I made a mistake, I think I need to go back to Reno."  He just gave me a hug, with a crooked grin, shaking his head which means, Okay, whatever you say you crazy girl.  Soooo, I went back to Reno!  And for the next two and a half years had some great experiences and adventures.  I met one the greatest guys, EVER, who became one of my greatest friends.  He taught me about courage and fun for the sake of just having fun...I love him and miss him.   Work was a great reward, the kids I loved with all my heart, and in the process of just time and days of just doing...moving, I somehow created a life for myself.   Since that time I have never really called a place home.

I moved to Chicago and never really settled in there.  I feel like that was my window to treasure and cherish my family.  To really improve relationships with some of them.  They all left the area and through a series of what can only be described as miracles and divine intervention, I moved to Michigan.  When I was driving back to Chicago, after a brief visit to Michigan...I just knew it was my home.

So to anyone wondering if I am moving to Arizona, or anywhere else from the great state of Michigan...the answer is NO!!!  It would be a mistake.  I would be turning my back on everything that has happened up to now in my life.  It would erase all the hard, the tears, the suffering...climbing up a mountain only to turn back just feet away from the Summit.  Oh, the glorious view that awaits, and I would miss it.  So NO!  Not a chance.  I'm staying, sticking it out.  Knowing God has brought me this far and He will continue to climb with me!  I'm not giving up and turning back this time.   Argh!  I just want to scream at everyone, "I'm not broken, Is this all you will ever see?  I'm stronger than you think I am.  With God all things are possible and with Him, I can reach the Summit!  I can restore and repair mistakes of the past and create and become great...and be good.  It's already begun!  I certainly don't want the transformation to cease...I want my butterfly wings!"  I suppose it may be more useful to say this to myself, while awkwardly looking at myself in the mirror, instead of yelling at everyone else...

I never again considered suicide.  I got help, it was not an over night fix.  It took a very long time for me to believe and to see the hope and love others had for me.  I am grateful my Mother answered the phone that night and many other nights and days!!!  I am grateful my parents have and still continue to be willing to go along on the ride with me without judgement or criticism.

I know many people reading this have had experiences with friends, family and loved ones who have taken their own lives.  I wish that was something that none of us ever knew about.  I wish it was something I could change.  There are never any real answers only more questions and a lot of "what if".  My heart aches along with yours, wishing somehow we could get them back.  I do know that God has a special greeting for them, one of love, safety and healing.  There are just no words to ever make it better...no words can do that.

For those of you who are reading who want to die...I get it.  I really, really wanted it!  I am glad it never happened.  I am glad I am alive.  Courage and bravery is talked about sometimes like its something you can pick up at the nearest CVS or Walgreens.  But, when you are surrounded my darkness, loud, screeching, terrible voices and you can't breath because its so thick...and you're paralyzed with fear, well, courage and bravery are scarce.  It comes at a price you just can't pay to get it.  Just be still, call out to God for help and wait out the darkness, it will eventually find another place to go...I promise.  The light will come, perhaps imperceptible at first, but it will continue to find place in you if you allow it to grow.  Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP!  Please!!  Don't give up!  My life has not necessarily gotten easier, but it has gotten better!  Don't give up!
I think we all feel "little" at times, some more than others, and even feel we just don't have enough to keep going.  Fuel that little spark , if thats all you have, focus on it, nurture it, and build it, until its hot enough to create the steam to move.  Don't give up!   Sometimes in life, we just can't explain what we feel or what we "know", we just know it and feel it!  Everyone always will have an opinion, something to say about our choices...our journey and we just won't be able to find the words to adequately describe to others "why", and we just keep going, and sometimes we just have to go it alone because sometimes doing what is right will require that.

For the rest of you...if you get a call at 4am, answer it!  If you feel like maybe you should talk to someone...Do it!  You will never regret an act of kindness and you never know who you might save...

Life is worth living, and I can say that even when things are not really going my way right now!  Life is worth living and risks are worth taking.  Spoken from someone who has taken many risks...AND still hoping to get it right and acquire the desired results!
Always look for the exceptional.  It.  Is.  Always.  There!  In yourself and in others...it is always there!

My Mom has told me a time or two that I am like The Little Engine That Could, I just keep going.  Well, I don't know where I'm headed, but,  I know I am on the right "track".

Truth.

"Gospel truths about life and the human condition stand in stark contrast to the world's view; the world's solutions so often lead mankind into conceptual cul-de-sacs.  Without gospel truths, man's efforts to reach his goals are like the northbound explorer who drove his dog sled feverishly northward on an ice pack that was flowing southward--only to find himself farther from his destination at the end of a hard day's journey than he had at dawn!"

~Neal A. Maxwell

It's been a while since I've posted, partly because I started a new job thats taken over my life, and partly because I haven't felt I've had anything "inspiring" to write about.  I'm sitting, enjoying the quiet and just thinking about how I can express what I've been thinking about the last little while.  This is always a long process for me to organize my thoughts.  I don't think another human could actually understand my pathway of thinking if I don't filter or organize first.

In large part I've been thinking about what's next for me.  I scheduled my final therapy visit and have begun to taper down my medication.  I've started a new job teaching, in a few weeks will be singing a duet in church, and in July will be running a 5K!   "Back in the saddle again"  I feel a shift, a ripple of change through my body and spirit and I know... I. Am. Different.  There is definitely a ripple through the universe and I am wondering if it's just me or if anyone else felt it too?  I can't believe it happened, the time actually came, its here...I can move forward.  But where to?  

My M/O for life has been to urgently go from one thing to another, one place to another. Usually that entails a great opportunity doing something I ALWAYS wanted to do and so I go. And. Do it!  Never staying in one place for too long so as to avoid any real attachments.  Last year in making a decision to move to Michigan I finally got that feeling, this is it!  I am here to stay.  Finally a place to settle down for a while.  But about three months after I moved here, I started asking myself about my next step and when would be a good time to move on from here (the start of my breakdown).  I had this whole picture in my head about what this year was going to be for me, and what it was that I was going to accomplish...it never happened.  I admit I feel compelled to stay.  Not for lack of trying to leave, because I felt nothing was working out, or I just wanted to run from everything here.  I just can't seem to shake, this is it!  I am here to stay.  Finally a place to settle down for a while.
Now that I made it through my almost first year, I question all the time, Do I want to be here? Would I be better off closer to family?  Would I have more opportunities to date living somewhere else?  Better job prospects? Am I happy here, now? My family is always asking me to move, "Are you ready to move and come here yet?" Hmmmm, ...answer now...or later?!

With all the changes and as walls have come down, relationships have come to the fore front and I am more aware of all the sensations that come with them.  I am someone who has always sought for approval and I always want RESULTS!  I immediately question the quality of what I'm doing and even more damaging, question the quality of who I am when I don't see a positive in what I am endeavoring to achieve with others.  What am I doing here?!  Is a question I often ask.  Soooo, what's the point in doing something that doesn't seem to be doing any good or going anywhere?   Excellent question!!  I am going to put it out there that all of us ask this question.  And I will put it out there that, sometimes,  we even give up.

This is an experience I had in college that I believe will answer these questions.  I was enrolled in a ROPES facilitator course and as part of the course we had to go through the experience first hand on a ROPES course.  We spent several weeks on the course as participants and learning how to facilitate many different kinds of groups and activities.  I was dreading the high elements of the course and would hope by some miracle I could be spared from jumping from a ridiculous height!  The climb never bothered me, it was always the jump.  As luck, or fate would have it, I was selected to go first on "the ring".  All I had to do was climb about 40 feet up a tree and jump off a ledge to grab a ring hanging about oh maybe 3 feet in front of the ledge.  Easy right?  No. Big. Deal.  As I was getting all geared up and tied up, the facilitator suggested I go blind folded....what?! Are you crazy?  There is No way I can do that! I of course, was the picture of calm and strength on the outside, but was ready to pee my pants at the slightest hint of trouble!  I agreed to do it because I didn't want to look weak or stupid in front of the WHOLE class!!  I started to climb and the first few steps were quite easy.  The further up I got the further apart the staples in the tree became...whoever built this is STUPID!  I felt around the tree for all possible paths before moving, I went very slowly.  I didn't want to fall because I would have to start again, or may not get another opportunity to try again.  My classmates would also guide me to where they thought a move would be more helpful.  After probably 30 minutes I made it to the platform.  I just stood, rejoicing in the fact that I wasn't dead yet, however the elation quickly fled when the instructor shouted, "Now JUMP!, the hard parts over!"  Jerk, what does he know about hard?  I took slow, small steps to the edge.  I could feel the edge and even hung my toes over, but did not want to jump.  I had no way to gauge the distance or if I was even directly in front of the ring.  I decided the only way down was to jump.  I prayed that whoever had me belayed was strong enough to keep me from plummeting to the ground.  Okay, Dot just do it...you can do this!  Just jump...JUMP already!  I hurled myself as far as I could, reaching out...hoping...and then I could feel myself starting to fall and and then an abrupt tug.  I missed it.  I missed the ring.  When I was on the ground, there were many pats on the back and hugs for a job well done.  I took my blind fold off and looked up at the platform.  Was I even close?  As I examined the tree, the distance climbed and looking at the ring a surprising thing happened.  I got a feeling of WOW!  I can't believe I just did that!!!  I was able to come to the conclusion that the point of the activity was not the ring, but the jump.  I jumped!  I was willing to go for it with all I had, and I jumped!!

Yes, life is still a big question mark for me, and yes, I don't know how long I will be here in Michigan, or what the actual impact of what I do in this world.  I am still going to jump! Sooo here's the TRUTH:
1. I know that Michigan is my home, no really good reason for it, but it is and I am going to stay until my path leads me somewhere else.  I'm sticking this one out and getting uber attached :)
2. I do miss my family, they are my favorite people in all the world.  With all my moving around I have been greatly blest to spend significant time with them and hopefully will again in the future.
3. There is no where I could run to hide from myself.  Turns out I'm not so scary...well mostly.
4. The outcome is less important than what I did to get it.  My actions do matter, even if I'm the only one who thinks so.
5. The little things I choose to do along the way, will ultimately get me to where I want to be!  It's the journey people!!
6. I am a work in progress, not yet a work of art.  That is OKAY! It always amazing to watch an artist work.
7. In the process of teaching others I often forget I am being taught too!!  As I am wanting to contribute something to them, they too are wanting to contribute and have that contribution make a difference.  I forget it's a two way street.
8. I am HAPPY!  I feel a sense of freedom emotionally, mentally that I never have before.

My story isn't over yet, I am revisiting the ideas and hopes I had last year and setting new goals for the summer months ahead.  Some of my hopes have become even more important and others I have set to the side for right now.  Jumping is never easy, I still obsess over do I or don't I? Each and every time.  Sometimes the jump is worth making and sometimes it isn't...
I am grateful for all the times I did jump though;) and looking forward to the jumps to come!  Your turn to take a leap...

Intervention in Rough and Good Places

"Our most significant opportunities will be found in the times of greatest difficulty."

-Thomas S. Monson

In my quest for healing and in just trying to make it through each day, I have, over the last several years...weeks been questioning.  "Where is God in all this crap?  I am doing all I can and nothing seems to be changing."  A Few weeks ago I was preparing a lesson for church and I noticed my body and my mind become invigorated and found myself looking forward to the day ahead, when previous to my study I didn't even want to get out of bed. "What's the point?" I had been asking myself frequently.  After my lesson preparation I went on to my scripture study for the day.  As I was reading my mind was taken back to about two and half years ago when I felt that I should begin to do my scripture study in the morning instead of right before bed.

Two and a half years ago, I decided to move to Chicago to be with my family. This time was the beginning of the most challenging period of my life. My dad had recently been diagnosed with prostate cancer.  It was a "no brainer" for me to pick up and leave my home and job in Reno to be with my Mom and Dad.  I didn't want to miss anything(My Dad is well and he and my Mom are serving a mission in the Philippines).  I also was in a challenging job and just trying to figure out my next steps in life, and I was getting closed door after closed door, when I felt this impression to change my morning routine.  The results were immediate! Instead of skimming through, half awake at night, I was gaining information and feeling ready and more confident at the beginning of each day.

In the course of my morning....okay afternoon study, I began having a flood of thoughts, "What are my expectations with God?  Why did God not save me from abuse or other experiences that were so hurtful to my heart and my spirit?"  Then my mind took me to something I had read by Elder Neal A. Maxwell:

"Throughout scripture we encounter the need for us to remember that the Lord has His own timetable for unfolding things; it will not always accord with our schedules or wants.  When, in our extremities, we urgently call for a divine response, there may be, instead, a divine delay.  This is not because God, at the moment, is inattentive or loves us less than perfectly.  Rather, it is because we are being asked, at the moment, to endure more for the welfare of our souls.  The blessed meek understand that God loves them even when they may not be able to explain the meaning of what is happening to them or around them"(Meek and Lowly).

 "...I'm not sure we can always understand the implications of his{Christ}love, because his love will call us at times to do things we may wonder about, and we may be confronted with circumstances we would rather not face.  I believe with all my heart that because God loves us there are some particularized challenges that he will deliver to each of us.  He will customize the curriculum for each of us in order to teach us the things we most need to know.  He will set before us in life what we need, not always what we like.  And this will require us to accept with all our hearts...the truth that there is divine design in each of our lives...He knows what it is that he wishes to bring to pass in your life.  He knows the remodeling in your life and in mine that he wishes to achieve...One of the implications is that the tests we face are real.  They are not going to be things we can do with one hand tied behind our backs.  They are real enough that if we meet them we shall know that we have felt them, because we will feel them deeply and keenly and pervasively...If we were allowed to bypass certain trials, everything that had gone on up to that moment in our lives would be wiped out.  It is because he loves us that at times he will not intercede as we may wish him to"(But For A Small Moment).


My mind became a movie theater and I was watching trailer after trailer of experience after experience of miracle after miracle.  Of course God intervenes in my life!  He always has and he always will!  God does and has intervened in every way.  He has given me help and hope.  God knew how much changing a simple routine would help me from day to day, to just get up and to have hope that today would be a good day.  Interventions are always there!  Here are just a few that I've experienced recently:
I was turning into a neighborhood slowly because it was a sharp turn and a women was walking past with her dog.   She got a big grin on her face and waved at me as though I were her favorite neighbor!  "Amazing!  I feel like I matter to her and I don't even know her" I thought.  I was instantly uplifted.  She was an instrument in God's hands, demonstrating genuine kindness to a stranger and it brought happiness to my heart.

I have friends who accept my "crazy" and still love me and want to hang out with me.(Miraculous)

Easter Sunday all I wanted was sunshine. The forecast was for rain.  I prayed for sunshine, "its Easter! It should be beautiful, with sun and new life blossoming, please let there be sun!"  Sunday morning it was rainy.  After church I walked outside to sunshine and warmth.  Later that evening I went for a walk and my friend pointed out these beautiful purple flowers that were just starting to grow.

I was driving in my car the other day and decided to make an attempt at becoming more educated and informed so I turned my radio to NPR. This is what I heard:

"Can we really see the Universe in a grain of sand, even as we slog through traffic? Can we really hold infinity in our hands, even as we drop off the kids to violin practice?

The answer, I believe, is "yes." In fact I am sure of the answer is yes. The connection between the everyday reality we experience and boundless landscapes of cosmic beauty, inspiration and joy is actually so close, so present for us. It's there in the dust on your car, the mess on your desk and the swirling water in your sink.

How do I know this? Because I am a scientist dammit and I know that Science — under all its theories equations, experiments and data — is really trying to teach us to see the sacred in the mundane and the profound in the prosaic.

The trick is in the noticing and that happens by unpacking the question hidden in Blake's poem.
Can we really see the whole world in a grain of sand?
Through the lens of science we can see how even the smallest thing can be a gateway to an experience of the extraordinary, if only we can practice noticing.
We walk past a thousand, thousand natural miracles everyday, from the sun climbing in the sky to the arc of birds seen out our windows. Those miracles are there waiting for us to see them, to notice them and, most importantly, to find our delight in theirs.
You want some transcendence? I got it for ya. Let's start with that grain of sand."

- Adam Frank is a Professor of Astrophysics at the University of Rochester.

Not one of us is immune to suffering!  It happens to all of us.  One of the reasons why I wanted to start this blog was hopefully to connect to others, who are just like me.  We feel lost, we wonder what the point is and how are we supposed to get through it?!  It is a maddening process at times and these last few months have brought me to breaking point...AND I am glad it did!  I needed it.  I needed to change, I needed to forgive myself and forgive others.  My heart has been so cold and so hard for far too long.
I feel that I am transitioning into a new "phase" of my life and that it will look different than it ever has before.  I am different than I ever have been before.  If I had not been broken I would've continued on the same discouraging and lonely road.
I know that Jesus Christ my Savior has healed me from pain, despair, guilt, hate, and anger from my abusive past.  Now my path ahead is clear, and I feel free and open to actually be a real participant in life.  I will still have challenges, those will always come and go...thats just life.  But I know now, better than I have before and I see more clearly than before God's hand in all things.  I know He loves me and I know He loves you.  All we need to do is look for it, BELIEVE him, that He is there and is always providing love, guidance, support and encouragement.  We are His children and His greatest desire is for us to be able to come home!  Let us always look for the divine in the mundane.  After all, He is our Creator and has blest us with ALL that we have and ALL that we are.  So lets NOTICE it!  NOTICE HIM!!!! and be glad for the journey that is meant for happiness and to change us for the better.