“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”
― Kahlil Gibran
Some of you might be wondering if the title is correct, let me assure you it is!
I often have conversations with my roommates, friends, and family to compare our strength of wit, physical prowess...you know the banter back and forth about who is better and who can do it better! We compare our bruises and scars and tell grand stories about where they come from. It is a symbol of adventure, courage and strength! Coming home after playing volleyball or basketball with floors burns and bruises means that you actually played the game ferociously, without regret and you have a mark to prove it! To show to the world you have conquered, maybe not the enemy, but you have overcome that weak part of yourself for just a few moments when nothing mattered to you but to give it your all!
I have also had conversations with friends who talk so negatively about their scars and stretch marks or lines on their face. They talk of plastic surgery, or wish their "marks" away. They are "ugly", it makes them "ugly". Every time I hear this I wonder why. Why would you wish your life away? Each one is an experience, a story of love lost or won. A vacation, an adventure, a loss, a battle fought, children, a victory! Each line represents knowledge, understanding, compassion, pain, love and laughter! Why would you want to wish away the road map of how you became who you are!? I can have long conversations with myself;)
Several years ago while I was living in Utah some friends and I went camping up in Little Cottonwood Canyon and decided to hike to Mirror Lake or White Lake...something like that I think? Anyway when we got up in the morning we got started. It was a 4 mile hike which meant a total of 8 miles there and back. I was afraid, but I didn't want to say anything to anyone. I wasn't sure I could make it. I pretended I was all for it and totally psyched to get started. I remember the trip was in May, but at a certain point in the hike it got wet from snow run off and as we continued upwards there was snow, lots of it! We were all in shorts and t-shirts.
As we ascended the air got cooler but the sun was warm, a perfect combination that day. At certain points when we'd stop to rest for a bit I would close my eyes and look upward towards the sun wanting to gain strength and courage to keep going. I love to feel the heat on my face. At the final stretch, we had to climb a staircase of snow up a glacier, created only by those who had gone before us. People ahead of us who had made it to the lake just skied or sled down!
On our way down we had to cross a part of trail completely covered with snow and it was at a steep edge. I took one step and began to slip. I lost my footing and sat down. I did not want to move too quickly because I knew one false move and I would be headed down quickly on the snow to the rocks. It didn't help that I was wearing pants that zip off at the knee for shorts and made of very slick material. I slowly tried to position both feet against the hard snow and slowly turn toward my friends behind me back on the trail. As I began to turn and reach towards a friend the snow below me broke free and I started sliding, very quickly. I shoved my hands into the hard snow hoping to slow myself and even grab onto something below the surface of the snow. I kept my toes pointed up and tried to dig my feet in as deep as I could to try to stop myself, but it was no use. All I was doing was cutting myself against the icy snow. My friend jumped from the trail and ran along side me to try to help me. I just kept my eyes on what was ahead...rocks! I came to an abrupt stop about 10 feet down when my foot finally hit a rock barely visible above the snow. I was breathing very quickly and heavily. My friend came over and grabbed my hands and I flinched. My hands and arms felt like they were on fire! He pulled me up and started to ask me if I was hurt, all I could feel was the sensation of cold and hot at the same time on my legs, hands and arms. I had numerous small cuts from the ice. Other than those I was free from injury so we continued our journey and laughed about it as we trekked down. I had survived the 8 mile hike and I had the scars as a witness of my journey.
I often have conversations with my roommates, friends, and family to compare our strength of wit, physical prowess...you know the banter back and forth about who is better and who can do it better! We compare our bruises and scars and tell grand stories about where they come from. It is a symbol of adventure, courage and strength! Coming home after playing volleyball or basketball with floors burns and bruises means that you actually played the game ferociously, without regret and you have a mark to prove it! To show to the world you have conquered, maybe not the enemy, but you have overcome that weak part of yourself for just a few moments when nothing mattered to you but to give it your all!
I have also had conversations with friends who talk so negatively about their scars and stretch marks or lines on their face. They talk of plastic surgery, or wish their "marks" away. They are "ugly", it makes them "ugly". Every time I hear this I wonder why. Why would you wish your life away? Each one is an experience, a story of love lost or won. A vacation, an adventure, a loss, a battle fought, children, a victory! Each line represents knowledge, understanding, compassion, pain, love and laughter! Why would you want to wish away the road map of how you became who you are!? I can have long conversations with myself;)Several years ago while I was living in Utah some friends and I went camping up in Little Cottonwood Canyon and decided to hike to Mirror Lake or White Lake...something like that I think? Anyway when we got up in the morning we got started. It was a 4 mile hike which meant a total of 8 miles there and back. I was afraid, but I didn't want to say anything to anyone. I wasn't sure I could make it. I pretended I was all for it and totally psyched to get started. I remember the trip was in May, but at a certain point in the hike it got wet from snow run off and as we continued upwards there was snow, lots of it! We were all in shorts and t-shirts.
As we ascended the air got cooler but the sun was warm, a perfect combination that day. At certain points when we'd stop to rest for a bit I would close my eyes and look upward towards the sun wanting to gain strength and courage to keep going. I love to feel the heat on my face. At the final stretch, we had to climb a staircase of snow up a glacier, created only by those who had gone before us. People ahead of us who had made it to the lake just skied or sled down!
On our way down we had to cross a part of trail completely covered with snow and it was at a steep edge. I took one step and began to slip. I lost my footing and sat down. I did not want to move too quickly because I knew one false move and I would be headed down quickly on the snow to the rocks. It didn't help that I was wearing pants that zip off at the knee for shorts and made of very slick material. I slowly tried to position both feet against the hard snow and slowly turn toward my friends behind me back on the trail. As I began to turn and reach towards a friend the snow below me broke free and I started sliding, very quickly. I shoved my hands into the hard snow hoping to slow myself and even grab onto something below the surface of the snow. I kept my toes pointed up and tried to dig my feet in as deep as I could to try to stop myself, but it was no use. All I was doing was cutting myself against the icy snow. My friend jumped from the trail and ran along side me to try to help me. I just kept my eyes on what was ahead...rocks! I came to an abrupt stop about 10 feet down when my foot finally hit a rock barely visible above the snow. I was breathing very quickly and heavily. My friend came over and grabbed my hands and I flinched. My hands and arms felt like they were on fire! He pulled me up and started to ask me if I was hurt, all I could feel was the sensation of cold and hot at the same time on my legs, hands and arms. I had numerous small cuts from the ice. Other than those I was free from injury so we continued our journey and laughed about it as we trekked down. I had survived the 8 mile hike and I had the scars as a witness of my journey.
The last few months have been a challenge for me. I am filled with anger and I loose patience very quickly. I find myself in a room with a group of my favorite people and I am physically unable to laugh with them. I want to leave. I often think about how my depression with melancholic feature B, PMDD, blah blah blah...get in the way. They literally prevent certain things from taking place. I often wonder how or who I would be without my deficiencies. I wish I just understood it all. I just want to do it all the best way possible and I hardly ever feel that that is accomplished. I want to do everything that God wants me to do and I know I'm not doing that when I shut myself off from the world and all its possibilities because I lack motivation, or I'm afraid of doing it wrong and getting into trouble and being rejected and disappointing anyone. I couldn't possibly be fulfilling the measure of my creation, by doing nothing or hiding in fear. I fight so hard against my depression and anxiety because they are such a liability, a burden and in my opinion get in the way of becoming or being who I really am or meant to be. They disrupt and prevent so much. I get angry at myself for allowing it so much power over me, I hate myself for it. There are days I am even angry at God for it. I have had many conversations in prayer trying to convince Father in Heaven how much more of a profitable servant I would be if this were gone, if I could just be healed. It is a constant war. Some battles I win and some I lose.
I was reading the other night in an attempt to console myself and the author, Brad Wilcox, told this story, I will paraphrase.
A young man was trouble and wanted to speak with him (Brad Wilcox). The young man was distraught by his flaws and mistakes...sins from his past. He was feeling ashamed and hypocritical. Brad Wilcox remembering an analogy he had heard years earlier, pulled out a marble egg that had been used for decorations and gave this response to this young man,"Look at the marble. Isn't it beautiful?"
The young man agreed.
"What makes it beautiful is not that it is free from imperfections. If it were clear and white, with no flaws, it would look plastic and artificial. The marble is beautiful and useful because of the dark veins, not in spite of them. When we repent, our sins are gone, but the memories linger, just like these dark lines. However, as we keep our covenants and experience the sanctifying influence of the Spirit, it is as if those dark lines are polished over time. They actually become part of our beauty...One day,...you too will be beautiful--just like the marble--not because you have no dark, jagged memories in your mind, but literally because you do"(The Continuous Atonement, Wilcox, 193-94). After I read this I thought, I found my hope!
Our Savior, Jesus Christ, is perfect AND He has scars! Scars that are a symbol of His love, His sacrifice, and the He overcame! Because of His scars He knows what I feel in my darkest corners and he can comfort and help me there. Scars, be it emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual are marks of character building, and when we use the Atonement we become like our Heavenly Father because of the scars, not in spite of them. They are also a continuous reminder of the beauty of the Atonement.
I had the thought the other night, What would my life look like if I believed I was good? How would that change the way I do things? How would it change the way I treat others, if I simply acted as though I believed I was good?
Power does not come in perfection, power comes in a choice to act, to move. It is not the outcome, but the action that matters. I can act and choose to not let my weakness win. I can choose to be more compassionate and loving. I can choose to be true to my word. I can choose to be honest. I can choose to raise a voice against evil. I can choose to ask for help. I can choose to be one more person who does good. Even if nothing changes around me, I am still a good person doing good things and it will change me!
I remembered I have a marble egg in storage I received from a friend. I pulled it out and placed on my desk as a reminder of my beautiful lines and scars. I dwell so much on the dark and ugly and forget the purpose in them, that they are the things that are going to CREATE holiness and MAKE me beautiful...make me better. " the marble is beautiful and useful because of the dark veins, not in spite of them...they actually become part of our beauty."(194) There is always a choice in our experience. It can change us to make us better or to make us bitter. Each scar can carve in its place greater compassion, wisdom, and love. Each blow, every hit, is sculpting me. Most days I am looking forward to how it turns out. The good news is I can DO something about how I turn out with all the carving and sculpting! I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and to change...a beauty tip in marble, who'd have guessed?
A young man was trouble and wanted to speak with him (Brad Wilcox). The young man was distraught by his flaws and mistakes...sins from his past. He was feeling ashamed and hypocritical. Brad Wilcox remembering an analogy he had heard years earlier, pulled out a marble egg that had been used for decorations and gave this response to this young man,"Look at the marble. Isn't it beautiful?"
The young man agreed.
"What makes it beautiful is not that it is free from imperfections. If it were clear and white, with no flaws, it would look plastic and artificial. The marble is beautiful and useful because of the dark veins, not in spite of them. When we repent, our sins are gone, but the memories linger, just like these dark lines. However, as we keep our covenants and experience the sanctifying influence of the Spirit, it is as if those dark lines are polished over time. They actually become part of our beauty...One day,...you too will be beautiful--just like the marble--not because you have no dark, jagged memories in your mind, but literally because you do"(The Continuous Atonement, Wilcox, 193-94). After I read this I thought, I found my hope!
Our Savior, Jesus Christ, is perfect AND He has scars! Scars that are a symbol of His love, His sacrifice, and the He overcame! Because of His scars He knows what I feel in my darkest corners and he can comfort and help me there. Scars, be it emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual are marks of character building, and when we use the Atonement we become like our Heavenly Father because of the scars, not in spite of them. They are also a continuous reminder of the beauty of the Atonement.
I had the thought the other night, What would my life look like if I believed I was good? How would that change the way I do things? How would it change the way I treat others, if I simply acted as though I believed I was good?
Power does not come in perfection, power comes in a choice to act, to move. It is not the outcome, but the action that matters. I can act and choose to not let my weakness win. I can choose to be more compassionate and loving. I can choose to be true to my word. I can choose to be honest. I can choose to raise a voice against evil. I can choose to ask for help. I can choose to be one more person who does good. Even if nothing changes around me, I am still a good person doing good things and it will change me!
I remembered I have a marble egg in storage I received from a friend. I pulled it out and placed on my desk as a reminder of my beautiful lines and scars. I dwell so much on the dark and ugly and forget the purpose in them, that they are the things that are going to CREATE holiness and MAKE me beautiful...make me better. " the marble is beautiful and useful because of the dark veins, not in spite of them...they actually become part of our beauty."(194) There is always a choice in our experience. It can change us to make us better or to make us bitter. Each scar can carve in its place greater compassion, wisdom, and love. Each blow, every hit, is sculpting me. Most days I am looking forward to how it turns out. The good news is I can DO something about how I turn out with all the carving and sculpting! I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and to change...a beauty tip in marble, who'd have guessed?
Dot, you are such an inspiration! I am so glad I have the privilege of knowing you. Thank you for sharing your insight, it always makes me want to try harder to be better! I love your guts!
ReplyDeleteyou are amazing Dot and I miss you so much -- thank you for sharing this and being willing to be so open with what you are going through. I wish I lived closer! but know i think of you often and love you heaps!
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