The Worthless

“We sometimes confuse sin with sinner, and we condemn too quickly and with too little compassion. We know from modern revelation that ‘the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.’ We cannot gauge the worth of another soul any more than we can measure the span of the universe. Every person we meet is a VIP to our Heavenly Father. Once we understand that, we can begin to understand how we should treat our fellowmen.” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, You Are My Hands, May 2010 Ensign)

This is something that has consumed my thoughts lately, and I have wanted to address it directly, but have struggled with my own views, feelings and words to be able to do it.  I was in the middle of my workout today and had to stop and write after reading a post on Facebook, of all places.

Have you ever wondered where your individual worth comes from?  What is it that creates worth in someone? And what determines who has more worth than another?  In asking these questions, I imagine most everyone would respond, well of course, everyone has value! No one person is more valuable than another!  And yet in this idealistic declaration, do we honor this so called "value or worth" of each life here on this earth?  Do we really believe what we say?  Do I really believe what I say?  I would always contest with anyone who would say to the contrary that someone is worthless.  Only because if one person is worthless that would open the possibility that I was also worthless.  Something I have often felt and battled more that I want to admit.  I would defend the "worthless" because I myself didn't want to believe I was "worthless".  But am I true to this assertion?  Do I really believe that each person has great value? What has spurred such a debate in my head and heart?

Just a short...but long 5 months ago, I moved to California.  Why? Well, it was absolutely unplanned and an unwanted endeavor.  However, it was something I felt moved upon to do.  It was the next transfer of my mission here in this life.  I now spend my days in prison.  Yep, you read correctly, prison!  It is a level 4 facility(which houses the most dangerous), and within this prison, I work specifically in the unit called Administrative Segregation or as it is so loving refered to, "the prison within a prison".  This is where the inmates who "can't play nice" with the other inmates or staff are sent.  They are considered the worst of the worst of individuals that exist in this world.  They can't go anywhere without an escort of one or two officers and if they are not in a cell, they always wear handcuffs and ankle chains.  I spend my days with murderers, rapists, thief's, child abusers, liars, manipulators, and con-artists. My first day, and everyday since, I pray for help and for protection.

What does a prison look like?  Well in this particular instance movies are fairly accurate.  High electric fences with watch towers, and several check points where they check my I.D and bags.  I then make a long walk to my office and to the unit where the inmates live.  It takes about 20 minutes from car to desk.  At one check point, I am given an alarm that I have to wear everywhere and a whistle in case I am at a location where the alarm would not activate, such as walking from one building to another.   In my unit I have to wear a vest any time I am with the inmates to protect me from a possible stabbing.

The prospect of working in this environment was terrifying.  There were many nights I would be up crying, feeling I just couldn't go back tomorrow, I can't do this.  I would pray for God's help and protection because I knew and still know that I could not do this relying upon my own wit, knowledge, instincts, or courage.

Interestingly enough, about a week before I started, I began to pray God would bless me to love them.  I wanted to see them as He saw them, I wanted to feel about them the way He feels about them.  I knew I could never accomplish anything if I was filled with fear, judgement, and hate.  It would destroy me.

One of the groups I recently facilitated with the inmates was on forgiveness.  We were watching a documentary that highlighted several "real life" tragedies and discussed concepts on possible ways to heal.  In the video, one of the women introduced the idea of separating actions from the person, the sin from the sinner.  I stopped the video, desperately wanting to discuss this idea with the inmates.  Did they know what this means?  Have they ever heard this idea before?  Did they agree? Plant the seed Dot.  My first question to them:

Me: "Do you believe that its possible to see someone and measure them separate from what it is that they do?
Inmates: "Yes"
Me:"Do you believe that every person on this earth has value independent of circumstance, position, race, or economic status?"
Inmates:"Yes"
(Note to self, ask open ended questions!)

I then began asking them to imagine or to examine their own worth, and to reflect on what they feel has made them who they are.  Then I asked one final question, "What do you think or imagine would change in the world if every. single. person. was treated as though they were truly valuable?  What would that world look like?"  Each of them silently seem to consider the question.  A few of them mumbled an almost inaudible answer, "...be different."  A few with raised eye brows, "it would change everything," while still pensive, with contemplative looks on their faces as if still examining what the real answer would look like, knowing somehow their answers didn't quite cover everything they were thinking and feeling.

Each of us knows keenly what it is to be treated as though we were invisible or perhaps even worse, like we didn't matter.  So if we all know what it is like, and how it feels, and the impact it has, and desire never to be treated that way ever again...then why is it that we so casually ignore or brush each other off?  Sometimes we are even deliberately cruel, feeling that it is necessary in order to get our point across.

I bring this up because there are two schools of thought at the prison.  One: These men are evil and are not worth the air they breath, and the world would be better off without them.  One of my first weeks working there, I was working with an officer who was not shy about the disgust he felt and his desire, if he could, to line them up and using a firing squad, in a simple count of three, eliminate each and every one of them.

There are a handful of others who comprise the second school of thought:  There is hope and we can help.  We are not going to be inviting these men over for dinner any time soon...or ever, but these are men who in many, if not all cases were born, raised, experienced, and taught "this is how it is kid.  If you don't do this, you won't survive."  I am not going to dive into the psychological warfare that goes into all this, I am simply presenting the simplicity of a principle...a universal truth.

In my short...but long 5 months, I have laughed more than felt scared, threatened, frustrated, or used.  I have received cooking ideas, poems, raps, heard beautiful singing voices, seen true artists, writers, experienced intelligent conversation, been treated with respect, seen loving fathers, and brothers.  I have witnessed and experienced the value of the sinner separate of the sin.  I have loved the sinner and not the sin.  What these men have done is wrong.  However, I am not going to treat them as though they are worthless, they are not.  They have as much value as I do.  I do not trust them, but I do feel love for them.  I see them as they can become.  I often wonder about the impact that each of these men have had in this world.  Could it be possible that each of their paths could have been altered because of kindness or a compassionate, patient act?  Could the trend of violence, abuse, theft, fear, desperation change by simple, very small contacts we have with one another each day?

The worst of the worst...thats who I spend my days with. They have taught me more about being like Christ, more about the real value we each have in the eyes of God.  My goal is not to rehabilitate or to change them. I know I can't do that. However, I can treat them with love, and compassion. Give joy, respect and create safe boundaries. I can encourage and empower the very best that has laid dormant in them.  I can awaken that in them. Something they never had the opportunity to experience before.  For the first time, I want them to experience and know the difference.  Then, each of them can understand the choice they have in front of them...who they can become.  Once you've experienced being in the light, it is more difficult to be comfortable remaining in the dark. They are in prison, but have not lost the opportunity to know who they are. Each day I make mistakes, It isn't easy to always love those who would constantly do you harm.  It's almost an impossible thing to imagine loving your enemy, until you are face to face with him, and have to work along side him.  There is always hope!  There is always love!  There is always a choice!  Remember the person who is beside you, in front of you, driving next to you, on the phone with you, on the other side of the tracks as you....they want what you want.  To be treated as though they matter,  as though they are of great value.   Don't let the routine of days after  more days erase what makes this earth beautiful.  Stop and admire the unique, remarkable people around you, and have the courage to pick up the heads that are down, give strength to the feeble and weak of heart, and to raise up the down trodden.  Good Luck!  We can do it!  We are ALL worth the effort!