Truth.

"Gospel truths about life and the human condition stand in stark contrast to the world's view; the world's solutions so often lead mankind into conceptual cul-de-sacs.  Without gospel truths, man's efforts to reach his goals are like the northbound explorer who drove his dog sled feverishly northward on an ice pack that was flowing southward--only to find himself farther from his destination at the end of a hard day's journey than he had at dawn!"

~Neal A. Maxwell

It's been a while since I've posted, partly because I started a new job thats taken over my life, and partly because I haven't felt I've had anything "inspiring" to write about.  I'm sitting, enjoying the quiet and just thinking about how I can express what I've been thinking about the last little while.  This is always a long process for me to organize my thoughts.  I don't think another human could actually understand my pathway of thinking if I don't filter or organize first.

In large part I've been thinking about what's next for me.  I scheduled my final therapy visit and have begun to taper down my medication.  I've started a new job teaching, in a few weeks will be singing a duet in church, and in July will be running a 5K!   "Back in the saddle again"  I feel a shift, a ripple of change through my body and spirit and I know... I. Am. Different.  There is definitely a ripple through the universe and I am wondering if it's just me or if anyone else felt it too?  I can't believe it happened, the time actually came, its here...I can move forward.  But where to?  

My M/O for life has been to urgently go from one thing to another, one place to another. Usually that entails a great opportunity doing something I ALWAYS wanted to do and so I go. And. Do it!  Never staying in one place for too long so as to avoid any real attachments.  Last year in making a decision to move to Michigan I finally got that feeling, this is it!  I am here to stay.  Finally a place to settle down for a while.  But about three months after I moved here, I started asking myself about my next step and when would be a good time to move on from here (the start of my breakdown).  I had this whole picture in my head about what this year was going to be for me, and what it was that I was going to accomplish...it never happened.  I admit I feel compelled to stay.  Not for lack of trying to leave, because I felt nothing was working out, or I just wanted to run from everything here.  I just can't seem to shake, this is it!  I am here to stay.  Finally a place to settle down for a while.
Now that I made it through my almost first year, I question all the time, Do I want to be here? Would I be better off closer to family?  Would I have more opportunities to date living somewhere else?  Better job prospects? Am I happy here, now? My family is always asking me to move, "Are you ready to move and come here yet?" Hmmmm, ...answer now...or later?!

With all the changes and as walls have come down, relationships have come to the fore front and I am more aware of all the sensations that come with them.  I am someone who has always sought for approval and I always want RESULTS!  I immediately question the quality of what I'm doing and even more damaging, question the quality of who I am when I don't see a positive in what I am endeavoring to achieve with others.  What am I doing here?!  Is a question I often ask.  Soooo, what's the point in doing something that doesn't seem to be doing any good or going anywhere?   Excellent question!!  I am going to put it out there that all of us ask this question.  And I will put it out there that, sometimes,  we even give up.

This is an experience I had in college that I believe will answer these questions.  I was enrolled in a ROPES facilitator course and as part of the course we had to go through the experience first hand on a ROPES course.  We spent several weeks on the course as participants and learning how to facilitate many different kinds of groups and activities.  I was dreading the high elements of the course and would hope by some miracle I could be spared from jumping from a ridiculous height!  The climb never bothered me, it was always the jump.  As luck, or fate would have it, I was selected to go first on "the ring".  All I had to do was climb about 40 feet up a tree and jump off a ledge to grab a ring hanging about oh maybe 3 feet in front of the ledge.  Easy right?  No. Big. Deal.  As I was getting all geared up and tied up, the facilitator suggested I go blind folded....what?! Are you crazy?  There is No way I can do that! I of course, was the picture of calm and strength on the outside, but was ready to pee my pants at the slightest hint of trouble!  I agreed to do it because I didn't want to look weak or stupid in front of the WHOLE class!!  I started to climb and the first few steps were quite easy.  The further up I got the further apart the staples in the tree became...whoever built this is STUPID!  I felt around the tree for all possible paths before moving, I went very slowly.  I didn't want to fall because I would have to start again, or may not get another opportunity to try again.  My classmates would also guide me to where they thought a move would be more helpful.  After probably 30 minutes I made it to the platform.  I just stood, rejoicing in the fact that I wasn't dead yet, however the elation quickly fled when the instructor shouted, "Now JUMP!, the hard parts over!"  Jerk, what does he know about hard?  I took slow, small steps to the edge.  I could feel the edge and even hung my toes over, but did not want to jump.  I had no way to gauge the distance or if I was even directly in front of the ring.  I decided the only way down was to jump.  I prayed that whoever had me belayed was strong enough to keep me from plummeting to the ground.  Okay, Dot just do it...you can do this!  Just jump...JUMP already!  I hurled myself as far as I could, reaching out...hoping...and then I could feel myself starting to fall and and then an abrupt tug.  I missed it.  I missed the ring.  When I was on the ground, there were many pats on the back and hugs for a job well done.  I took my blind fold off and looked up at the platform.  Was I even close?  As I examined the tree, the distance climbed and looking at the ring a surprising thing happened.  I got a feeling of WOW!  I can't believe I just did that!!!  I was able to come to the conclusion that the point of the activity was not the ring, but the jump.  I jumped!  I was willing to go for it with all I had, and I jumped!!

Yes, life is still a big question mark for me, and yes, I don't know how long I will be here in Michigan, or what the actual impact of what I do in this world.  I am still going to jump! Sooo here's the TRUTH:
1. I know that Michigan is my home, no really good reason for it, but it is and I am going to stay until my path leads me somewhere else.  I'm sticking this one out and getting uber attached :)
2. I do miss my family, they are my favorite people in all the world.  With all my moving around I have been greatly blest to spend significant time with them and hopefully will again in the future.
3. There is no where I could run to hide from myself.  Turns out I'm not so scary...well mostly.
4. The outcome is less important than what I did to get it.  My actions do matter, even if I'm the only one who thinks so.
5. The little things I choose to do along the way, will ultimately get me to where I want to be!  It's the journey people!!
6. I am a work in progress, not yet a work of art.  That is OKAY! It always amazing to watch an artist work.
7. In the process of teaching others I often forget I am being taught too!!  As I am wanting to contribute something to them, they too are wanting to contribute and have that contribution make a difference.  I forget it's a two way street.
8. I am HAPPY!  I feel a sense of freedom emotionally, mentally that I never have before.

My story isn't over yet, I am revisiting the ideas and hopes I had last year and setting new goals for the summer months ahead.  Some of my hopes have become even more important and others I have set to the side for right now.  Jumping is never easy, I still obsess over do I or don't I? Each and every time.  Sometimes the jump is worth making and sometimes it isn't...
I am grateful for all the times I did jump though;) and looking forward to the jumps to come!  Your turn to take a leap...

Intervention in Rough and Good Places

"Our most significant opportunities will be found in the times of greatest difficulty."

-Thomas S. Monson

In my quest for healing and in just trying to make it through each day, I have, over the last several years...weeks been questioning.  "Where is God in all this crap?  I am doing all I can and nothing seems to be changing."  A Few weeks ago I was preparing a lesson for church and I noticed my body and my mind become invigorated and found myself looking forward to the day ahead, when previous to my study I didn't even want to get out of bed. "What's the point?" I had been asking myself frequently.  After my lesson preparation I went on to my scripture study for the day.  As I was reading my mind was taken back to about two and half years ago when I felt that I should begin to do my scripture study in the morning instead of right before bed.

Two and a half years ago, I decided to move to Chicago to be with my family. This time was the beginning of the most challenging period of my life. My dad had recently been diagnosed with prostate cancer.  It was a "no brainer" for me to pick up and leave my home and job in Reno to be with my Mom and Dad.  I didn't want to miss anything(My Dad is well and he and my Mom are serving a mission in the Philippines).  I also was in a challenging job and just trying to figure out my next steps in life, and I was getting closed door after closed door, when I felt this impression to change my morning routine.  The results were immediate! Instead of skimming through, half awake at night, I was gaining information and feeling ready and more confident at the beginning of each day.

In the course of my morning....okay afternoon study, I began having a flood of thoughts, "What are my expectations with God?  Why did God not save me from abuse or other experiences that were so hurtful to my heart and my spirit?"  Then my mind took me to something I had read by Elder Neal A. Maxwell:

"Throughout scripture we encounter the need for us to remember that the Lord has His own timetable for unfolding things; it will not always accord with our schedules or wants.  When, in our extremities, we urgently call for a divine response, there may be, instead, a divine delay.  This is not because God, at the moment, is inattentive or loves us less than perfectly.  Rather, it is because we are being asked, at the moment, to endure more for the welfare of our souls.  The blessed meek understand that God loves them even when they may not be able to explain the meaning of what is happening to them or around them"(Meek and Lowly).

 "...I'm not sure we can always understand the implications of his{Christ}love, because his love will call us at times to do things we may wonder about, and we may be confronted with circumstances we would rather not face.  I believe with all my heart that because God loves us there are some particularized challenges that he will deliver to each of us.  He will customize the curriculum for each of us in order to teach us the things we most need to know.  He will set before us in life what we need, not always what we like.  And this will require us to accept with all our hearts...the truth that there is divine design in each of our lives...He knows what it is that he wishes to bring to pass in your life.  He knows the remodeling in your life and in mine that he wishes to achieve...One of the implications is that the tests we face are real.  They are not going to be things we can do with one hand tied behind our backs.  They are real enough that if we meet them we shall know that we have felt them, because we will feel them deeply and keenly and pervasively...If we were allowed to bypass certain trials, everything that had gone on up to that moment in our lives would be wiped out.  It is because he loves us that at times he will not intercede as we may wish him to"(But For A Small Moment).


My mind became a movie theater and I was watching trailer after trailer of experience after experience of miracle after miracle.  Of course God intervenes in my life!  He always has and he always will!  God does and has intervened in every way.  He has given me help and hope.  God knew how much changing a simple routine would help me from day to day, to just get up and to have hope that today would be a good day.  Interventions are always there!  Here are just a few that I've experienced recently:
I was turning into a neighborhood slowly because it was a sharp turn and a women was walking past with her dog.   She got a big grin on her face and waved at me as though I were her favorite neighbor!  "Amazing!  I feel like I matter to her and I don't even know her" I thought.  I was instantly uplifted.  She was an instrument in God's hands, demonstrating genuine kindness to a stranger and it brought happiness to my heart.

I have friends who accept my "crazy" and still love me and want to hang out with me.(Miraculous)

Easter Sunday all I wanted was sunshine. The forecast was for rain.  I prayed for sunshine, "its Easter! It should be beautiful, with sun and new life blossoming, please let there be sun!"  Sunday morning it was rainy.  After church I walked outside to sunshine and warmth.  Later that evening I went for a walk and my friend pointed out these beautiful purple flowers that were just starting to grow.

I was driving in my car the other day and decided to make an attempt at becoming more educated and informed so I turned my radio to NPR. This is what I heard:

"Can we really see the Universe in a grain of sand, even as we slog through traffic? Can we really hold infinity in our hands, even as we drop off the kids to violin practice?

The answer, I believe, is "yes." In fact I am sure of the answer is yes. The connection between the everyday reality we experience and boundless landscapes of cosmic beauty, inspiration and joy is actually so close, so present for us. It's there in the dust on your car, the mess on your desk and the swirling water in your sink.

How do I know this? Because I am a scientist dammit and I know that Science — under all its theories equations, experiments and data — is really trying to teach us to see the sacred in the mundane and the profound in the prosaic.

The trick is in the noticing and that happens by unpacking the question hidden in Blake's poem.
Can we really see the whole world in a grain of sand?
Through the lens of science we can see how even the smallest thing can be a gateway to an experience of the extraordinary, if only we can practice noticing.
We walk past a thousand, thousand natural miracles everyday, from the sun climbing in the sky to the arc of birds seen out our windows. Those miracles are there waiting for us to see them, to notice them and, most importantly, to find our delight in theirs.
You want some transcendence? I got it for ya. Let's start with that grain of sand."

- Adam Frank is a Professor of Astrophysics at the University of Rochester.

Not one of us is immune to suffering!  It happens to all of us.  One of the reasons why I wanted to start this blog was hopefully to connect to others, who are just like me.  We feel lost, we wonder what the point is and how are we supposed to get through it?!  It is a maddening process at times and these last few months have brought me to breaking point...AND I am glad it did!  I needed it.  I needed to change, I needed to forgive myself and forgive others.  My heart has been so cold and so hard for far too long.
I feel that I am transitioning into a new "phase" of my life and that it will look different than it ever has before.  I am different than I ever have been before.  If I had not been broken I would've continued on the same discouraging and lonely road.
I know that Jesus Christ my Savior has healed me from pain, despair, guilt, hate, and anger from my abusive past.  Now my path ahead is clear, and I feel free and open to actually be a real participant in life.  I will still have challenges, those will always come and go...thats just life.  But I know now, better than I have before and I see more clearly than before God's hand in all things.  I know He loves me and I know He loves you.  All we need to do is look for it, BELIEVE him, that He is there and is always providing love, guidance, support and encouragement.  We are His children and His greatest desire is for us to be able to come home!  Let us always look for the divine in the mundane.  After all, He is our Creator and has blest us with ALL that we have and ALL that we are.  So lets NOTICE it!  NOTICE HIM!!!! and be glad for the journey that is meant for happiness and to change us for the better.

Life Unexpected

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 

― C. JoyBell C.

Sooo....apparently, being brand spankin' new to the blogging world, I am supposed to update or post more than just once a week!!!  This will be practice on follow through.  I always feel I have a lot to say (just ask the kids I work with) but I get nervous about who's listening or if what I have to say will have value to them.  I suppose really, that that doesn't matter.

Over the course of the last week, I've had some really amazing experiences.  One in particular on Thursday evening.  I had been putting off some therapy work hmmmmm, Juuuuust because I didn't want to deal with it.  Well I came to the conclusion on Wednesday that I needed to plow through and no matter what happened, do not stop until the work was done and I had broken through a wall I've been sitting and staring at for quite some time.  I cleared my schedule and went to "work".  On Thursday, I got an unexpected phone call from a friend who, I hadn't heard from in a while.  During the course of our extensive conversation, something clicked!  It took a few minutes to sink in but there it was...healing.  It never ceases to amaze me how the kindness of others in combination with the power of God can change people.  Kindness seems to be such a small word for it.  Think about it.  Remember all the times you have been at the receiving end of something so simple, but it changed everything for you.  It touched you to the core, so deep that you can still, when reflecting remember those same feelings as if it just happened all over again.  Ahhhhhh.....Awesome!!!

In my search of the "why" am I this way, or "why" did this happen to me and the "how" can I fix it, "how" can I fix me?  I have decided (after Thursday) to shift my research plan to find out who I really am!!  And allowing Jesus Christ our Savior and Redeemer do the rest.  I believe that through Him all wrongs can be made right, maybe not in this life, but definitely in the next!

I know that I am a daughter of God.  Which means that I have divine qualities within me.  What are they?  Well in doing in good research we must experiment to see what is true and not true based on our hypothesis.  I have a few ideas and have been putting those into practice.  An example of this and one that I struggle with the most is unconditional LOVE.  I have always felt that this particular divine gift came with me, meaning I was born with it.  Over the course of time (still experimenting) have learned that although this gift is inherent, it does not come automatically.  I have to want it, even pray for it especially if its to be used for its intended use.  I want to be an instrument of good, like so many have been for me.  The hard part is that is takes continual practice AND its more about the other person than about me(tough pill to swallow).
Just as quickly as I was feeling my path was clear and clean-I was standing, enjoying the scenery I get a knock to the back of the head and a voice(in my head) shouts "STAY DOWN"!   Each blow comes harder, faster.  In just 24 hours, I was questioning something good I felt I had done.  I stayed true to myself, "experimenting" with this unconditional love and sharing with with those who I felt could use it....BAM!  Owwwwwww!
Right to the gut and back of the head. Leveled right to the ground.  I felt misunderstood and ultimately misled by people I was beginning to trust.  {pause}- go back and read the last sentence and notice how many time I used "I" and how many times I referenced the feelings of the other person...the answer: I-2, person-0. {play}- Lesson #1 in unconditional love: its about loving the person, not what do I get out of it! Duh!  Thats like... the definition!  Anyway over the last couple of days I have been "staying down", assessing the damage to my head, gut, and heart and decided it was only my ego that was injured.  Lesson #2 no ego involved in unconditional love.  And so the learning continues...

I'm writing today, because I want to fight back at the voice that wants me to stay down!  I am getting back up and trying again.

Sherri Dew says this about identity:

"There is nothing more vital to our success here than learning to hear the voice of the {Holy}spirit.  It is the Spirit who reveals to us our identity-which isn't just who we are but who we have always been.  And that when we know, our lives take on a sense of purpose so stunning that we can never be the same again.  Our spirits long for us to remember the truth about who we are, because the way we see ourselves, our sense of identity, affects everything we do.  It affects the way we behave, the way we respond to uncertainty, the way we see others, the way we feel about ourselves, and the way we make choices.  It affects the very way we live our lives". (Dew, Knowing Who You Are--and Who You Have Always Been, BYU 2001 Women's Conference)

I want to discover and KNOW who I really am, what I can do in this world to make it better.  I want that to change me, change how I live, make choices, how I see others...I want it to affect everything in my life!  I guess it will only come through trial and error and thorough research, making note of what works and what doesn't.  Here's to breaking wide open!!!!! AND to never being the same again!!!!

The Power of One

   

"Small people doing small things can alter the world"

-Dorothy L. Miller

     I was always told to tell my story because of the many unusual events that have taken place in my life however; I have learned that my life is not a combination of events but of moments, of people.  Moments of feeling that if I continued on I would break, moments of getting lost in love.  Moments of learning, tears and laughter, and the people, who, in those moments gave of themselves to me.
     Recently I have been faced with a decision, to share or not to share?  All of us know someone who at the right time and just at the right moment has shared something of significance with us that has changed us forever.  It has happened to me and I know it has happened for you.
     Just last week I was driving a friend to the airport who I haven't seen in probably 15 years!  I had to drive two hours just to pick her and her daughter up, to drive two more hours back to the airport.  There was something inside me that told me I needed to do this for her.  It was an amazing experience. She was someone who I have always admired and loved and we just picked up right where we left off.  We took turns giving brief time lines of our lives since we went separate ways.  She spoke openly and honestly to me about her life and particularly her most recent trial...her daughter has terminal cancer.  She doesn't know if her daughter will live to her 4th birthday.  My friend was remarkably positive even in the midst of what was to be.  As we were talking she mentioned several times a blog that shares her story with her daughter.  I was instantly touched and inspired.  I had been thinking for several weeks about creating a blog, but felt unsure and very insecure about it.  When I dropped her off, I drove away filled with joy and was so grateful to have made the trip...sooo worth it!!! I knew I needed to share my story.  We continue to keep in touch.
     So at the risk of being vulnerable, or being ridiculed, discouraged or disliked I am going to add my voice…my story to many others who have shared theirs with me. They opened their lives and hearts to me to make me better and stronger, so I could live another day, to make me smile, to feel safe. More importantly they, at risk to themselves, decided it was more important to help me, to love me than to protect themselves.  I honor them, and you who are reading for the many difficult and inspiring stories that have been told and will yet be shared…
     My purpose is to continue my own journey of healing, growing and share peace, light, hope and love. I want to give permission to everyone out there to love who they are, to love where they came from, their sufferings, victories, weakness, strengths.  These are gifts that create our character: passion, integrity, compassion, faith, and hope, humor, among just a few.
     Okay, about me...well, I intend to be blunt and honest so if that's not for you stop reading:)  My whole life I have been ashamed of who I am.  I have wished, prayed to be different, to be someone else.  I have even pleaded with God to take me from this earth because I just could not continue.  I have recently been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and other psychological mumbo jumbo that isn't really important.  I was sexually abused as a young child on multiple occasions by several individuals, which has literally infected every part of my being and distorted my view of the world.  I struggle to trust anyone, to believe that anyone could ever love me.  I never felt good enough for anything really good, I was wasn't worthy of anything truly wonderful because I was damaged, beyond repair and believed it would never change.  It was like I was experiencing everything from inside a bubble.  I could see out and feel what was happening around me and what other people were going through, but they could not see me.  I was invisible.  My whole life I've felt that I have been screaming in a crowded room and no one could hear me.  I hated myself, all the time, everyday and I believed everyone else did too.  About 6 months ago, I decided to get help.  I went to my ward bishop(church leader) for guidance and suggestions for therapy.  We found a counselor as well as a psychologist who, immediately prescribed medication.  In the process of these 6 months, in addition to the previous 35 years of life, feel I am finally making "real" changes and not just compensating for the sake of self-preservation.  I am coming out of my bubble.
     So why am I sharing now?  Because I believe its time for me to STOP being ashamed of who I am and start recognizing all the miracles, the wonderful things that have come to me through these things.  They are a part of me, but they do not define who I am.  They helped to form, but not to establish the truth of me.  I am learning to love myself.  I am taking risks and developing talents and doing things that I love.  Each day is a battle and I have to choose what will win out the day.  I have to make a conscious list of what I did that was good or better than the day before and then honestly determine ONE thing to do a little better the next day.  It is hard AND it is GOOD.   I am good.  I am SIGNIFICANT. Not by society or the world's definition.  I know that I have great value and purpose.  I know that I can make this world a better place somehow.  I have nothing to be ashamed about...no more secrets!!!  I want so much to help someone else come out of the dark, to understand and know their value and find purpose.
     The "one" who has stayed by me through it all, who has given strength, put me in the path of wonderful people, protected me, and who is in the PROCESS of healing me, is God...our Heavenly Father.  I know Him to be real and very much in the details of my story and in yours, past, present, and future.  I love Him and know that every good thing has come from Him.
     I will be sharing in more detail about my struggles and hopefully victories too.  Today, I won some, and I lost more of the battles than I would have liked to.  It is okay and I am okay.
     I know that everyone has their won battles and I hope that we can recognize the warrior within all of us and find courage to move forward even when we cannot see.