Life Unexpected

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 

― C. JoyBell C.

Sooo....apparently, being brand spankin' new to the blogging world, I am supposed to update or post more than just once a week!!!  This will be practice on follow through.  I always feel I have a lot to say (just ask the kids I work with) but I get nervous about who's listening or if what I have to say will have value to them.  I suppose really, that that doesn't matter.

Over the course of the last week, I've had some really amazing experiences.  One in particular on Thursday evening.  I had been putting off some therapy work hmmmmm, Juuuuust because I didn't want to deal with it.  Well I came to the conclusion on Wednesday that I needed to plow through and no matter what happened, do not stop until the work was done and I had broken through a wall I've been sitting and staring at for quite some time.  I cleared my schedule and went to "work".  On Thursday, I got an unexpected phone call from a friend who, I hadn't heard from in a while.  During the course of our extensive conversation, something clicked!  It took a few minutes to sink in but there it was...healing.  It never ceases to amaze me how the kindness of others in combination with the power of God can change people.  Kindness seems to be such a small word for it.  Think about it.  Remember all the times you have been at the receiving end of something so simple, but it changed everything for you.  It touched you to the core, so deep that you can still, when reflecting remember those same feelings as if it just happened all over again.  Ahhhhhh.....Awesome!!!

In my search of the "why" am I this way, or "why" did this happen to me and the "how" can I fix it, "how" can I fix me?  I have decided (after Thursday) to shift my research plan to find out who I really am!!  And allowing Jesus Christ our Savior and Redeemer do the rest.  I believe that through Him all wrongs can be made right, maybe not in this life, but definitely in the next!

I know that I am a daughter of God.  Which means that I have divine qualities within me.  What are they?  Well in doing in good research we must experiment to see what is true and not true based on our hypothesis.  I have a few ideas and have been putting those into practice.  An example of this and one that I struggle with the most is unconditional LOVE.  I have always felt that this particular divine gift came with me, meaning I was born with it.  Over the course of time (still experimenting) have learned that although this gift is inherent, it does not come automatically.  I have to want it, even pray for it especially if its to be used for its intended use.  I want to be an instrument of good, like so many have been for me.  The hard part is that is takes continual practice AND its more about the other person than about me(tough pill to swallow).
Just as quickly as I was feeling my path was clear and clean-I was standing, enjoying the scenery I get a knock to the back of the head and a voice(in my head) shouts "STAY DOWN"!   Each blow comes harder, faster.  In just 24 hours, I was questioning something good I felt I had done.  I stayed true to myself, "experimenting" with this unconditional love and sharing with with those who I felt could use it....BAM!  Owwwwwww!
Right to the gut and back of the head. Leveled right to the ground.  I felt misunderstood and ultimately misled by people I was beginning to trust.  {pause}- go back and read the last sentence and notice how many time I used "I" and how many times I referenced the feelings of the other person...the answer: I-2, person-0. {play}- Lesson #1 in unconditional love: its about loving the person, not what do I get out of it! Duh!  Thats like... the definition!  Anyway over the last couple of days I have been "staying down", assessing the damage to my head, gut, and heart and decided it was only my ego that was injured.  Lesson #2 no ego involved in unconditional love.  And so the learning continues...

I'm writing today, because I want to fight back at the voice that wants me to stay down!  I am getting back up and trying again.

Sherri Dew says this about identity:

"There is nothing more vital to our success here than learning to hear the voice of the {Holy}spirit.  It is the Spirit who reveals to us our identity-which isn't just who we are but who we have always been.  And that when we know, our lives take on a sense of purpose so stunning that we can never be the same again.  Our spirits long for us to remember the truth about who we are, because the way we see ourselves, our sense of identity, affects everything we do.  It affects the way we behave, the way we respond to uncertainty, the way we see others, the way we feel about ourselves, and the way we make choices.  It affects the very way we live our lives". (Dew, Knowing Who You Are--and Who You Have Always Been, BYU 2001 Women's Conference)

I want to discover and KNOW who I really am, what I can do in this world to make it better.  I want that to change me, change how I live, make choices, how I see others...I want it to affect everything in my life!  I guess it will only come through trial and error and thorough research, making note of what works and what doesn't.  Here's to breaking wide open!!!!! AND to never being the same again!!!!

The Power of One

   

"Small people doing small things can alter the world"

-Dorothy L. Miller

     I was always told to tell my story because of the many unusual events that have taken place in my life however; I have learned that my life is not a combination of events but of moments, of people.  Moments of feeling that if I continued on I would break, moments of getting lost in love.  Moments of learning, tears and laughter, and the people, who, in those moments gave of themselves to me.
     Recently I have been faced with a decision, to share or not to share?  All of us know someone who at the right time and just at the right moment has shared something of significance with us that has changed us forever.  It has happened to me and I know it has happened for you.
     Just last week I was driving a friend to the airport who I haven't seen in probably 15 years!  I had to drive two hours just to pick her and her daughter up, to drive two more hours back to the airport.  There was something inside me that told me I needed to do this for her.  It was an amazing experience. She was someone who I have always admired and loved and we just picked up right where we left off.  We took turns giving brief time lines of our lives since we went separate ways.  She spoke openly and honestly to me about her life and particularly her most recent trial...her daughter has terminal cancer.  She doesn't know if her daughter will live to her 4th birthday.  My friend was remarkably positive even in the midst of what was to be.  As we were talking she mentioned several times a blog that shares her story with her daughter.  I was instantly touched and inspired.  I had been thinking for several weeks about creating a blog, but felt unsure and very insecure about it.  When I dropped her off, I drove away filled with joy and was so grateful to have made the trip...sooo worth it!!! I knew I needed to share my story.  We continue to keep in touch.
     So at the risk of being vulnerable, or being ridiculed, discouraged or disliked I am going to add my voice…my story to many others who have shared theirs with me. They opened their lives and hearts to me to make me better and stronger, so I could live another day, to make me smile, to feel safe. More importantly they, at risk to themselves, decided it was more important to help me, to love me than to protect themselves.  I honor them, and you who are reading for the many difficult and inspiring stories that have been told and will yet be shared…
     My purpose is to continue my own journey of healing, growing and share peace, light, hope and love. I want to give permission to everyone out there to love who they are, to love where they came from, their sufferings, victories, weakness, strengths.  These are gifts that create our character: passion, integrity, compassion, faith, and hope, humor, among just a few.
     Okay, about me...well, I intend to be blunt and honest so if that's not for you stop reading:)  My whole life I have been ashamed of who I am.  I have wished, prayed to be different, to be someone else.  I have even pleaded with God to take me from this earth because I just could not continue.  I have recently been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and other psychological mumbo jumbo that isn't really important.  I was sexually abused as a young child on multiple occasions by several individuals, which has literally infected every part of my being and distorted my view of the world.  I struggle to trust anyone, to believe that anyone could ever love me.  I never felt good enough for anything really good, I was wasn't worthy of anything truly wonderful because I was damaged, beyond repair and believed it would never change.  It was like I was experiencing everything from inside a bubble.  I could see out and feel what was happening around me and what other people were going through, but they could not see me.  I was invisible.  My whole life I've felt that I have been screaming in a crowded room and no one could hear me.  I hated myself, all the time, everyday and I believed everyone else did too.  About 6 months ago, I decided to get help.  I went to my ward bishop(church leader) for guidance and suggestions for therapy.  We found a counselor as well as a psychologist who, immediately prescribed medication.  In the process of these 6 months, in addition to the previous 35 years of life, feel I am finally making "real" changes and not just compensating for the sake of self-preservation.  I am coming out of my bubble.
     So why am I sharing now?  Because I believe its time for me to STOP being ashamed of who I am and start recognizing all the miracles, the wonderful things that have come to me through these things.  They are a part of me, but they do not define who I am.  They helped to form, but not to establish the truth of me.  I am learning to love myself.  I am taking risks and developing talents and doing things that I love.  Each day is a battle and I have to choose what will win out the day.  I have to make a conscious list of what I did that was good or better than the day before and then honestly determine ONE thing to do a little better the next day.  It is hard AND it is GOOD.   I am good.  I am SIGNIFICANT. Not by society or the world's definition.  I know that I have great value and purpose.  I know that I can make this world a better place somehow.  I have nothing to be ashamed about...no more secrets!!!  I want so much to help someone else come out of the dark, to understand and know their value and find purpose.
     The "one" who has stayed by me through it all, who has given strength, put me in the path of wonderful people, protected me, and who is in the PROCESS of healing me, is God...our Heavenly Father.  I know Him to be real and very much in the details of my story and in yours, past, present, and future.  I love Him and know that every good thing has come from Him.
     I will be sharing in more detail about my struggles and hopefully victories too.  Today, I won some, and I lost more of the battles than I would have liked to.  It is okay and I am okay.
     I know that everyone has their won battles and I hope that we can recognize the warrior within all of us and find courage to move forward even when we cannot see.