"Gospel truths about life and the human condition stand in stark contrast to the world's view; the world's solutions so often lead mankind into conceptual cul-de-sacs. Without gospel truths, man's efforts to reach his goals are like the northbound explorer who drove his dog sled feverishly northward on an ice pack that was flowing southward--only to find himself farther from his destination at the end of a hard day's journey than he had at dawn!"
~Neal A. Maxwell
It's been a while since I've posted, partly because I started a new job thats taken over my life, and partly because I haven't felt I've had anything "inspiring" to write about. I'm sitting, enjoying the quiet and just thinking about how I can express what I've been thinking about the last little while. This is always a long process for me to organize my thoughts. I don't think another human could actually understand my pathway of thinking if I don't filter or organize first.
In large part I've been thinking about what's next for me. I scheduled my final therapy visit and have begun to taper down my medication. I've started a new job teaching, in a few weeks will be singing a duet in church, and in July will be running a 5K! "Back in the saddle again" I feel a shift, a ripple of change through my body and spirit and I know... I. Am. Different. There is definitely a ripple through the universe and I am wondering if it's just me or if anyone else felt it too? I can't believe it happened, the time actually came, its here...I can move forward. But where to?
My M/O for life has been to urgently go from one thing to another, one place to another. Usually that entails a great opportunity doing something I ALWAYS wanted to do and so I go. And. Do it! Never staying in one place for too long so as to avoid any real attachments. Last year in making a decision to move to Michigan I finally got that feeling, this is it! I am here to stay. Finally a place to settle down for a while. But about three months after I moved here, I started asking myself about my next step and when would be a good time to move on from here (the start of my breakdown). I had this whole picture in my head about what this year was going to be for me, and what it was that I was going to accomplish...it never happened. I admit I feel compelled to stay. Not for lack of trying to leave, because I felt nothing was working out, or I just wanted to run from everything here. I just can't seem to shake, this is it! I am here to stay. Finally a place to settle down for a while.
Now that I made it through my almost first year, I question all the time, Do I want to be here? Would I be better off closer to family? Would I have more opportunities to date living somewhere else? Better job prospects? Am I happy here, now? My family is always asking me to move, "Are you ready to move and come here yet?" Hmmmm, ...answer now...or later?!
With all the changes and as walls have come down, relationships have come to the fore front and I am more aware of all the sensations that come with them. I am someone who has always sought for approval and I always want RESULTS! I immediately question the quality of what I'm doing and even more damaging, question the quality of who I am when I don't see a positive in what I am endeavoring to achieve with others. What am I doing here?! Is a question I often ask. Soooo, what's the point in doing something that doesn't seem to be doing any good or going anywhere? Excellent question!! I am going to put it out there that all of us ask this question. And I will put it out there that, sometimes, we even give up.
This is an experience I had in college that I believe will answer these questions. I was enrolled in a ROPES facilitator course and as part of the course we had to go through the experience first hand on a ROPES course. We spent several weeks on the course as participants and learning how to facilitate many different kinds of groups and activities. I was dreading the high elements of the course and would hope by some miracle I could be spared from jumping from a ridiculous height! The climb never bothered me, it was always the jump. As luck, or fate would have it, I was selected to go first on "the ring". All I had to do was climb about 40 feet up a tree and jump off a ledge to grab a ring hanging about oh maybe 3 feet in front of the ledge. Easy right? No. Big. Deal. As I was getting all geared up and tied up, the facilitator suggested I go blind folded....what?! Are you crazy? There is No way I can do that! I of course, was the picture of calm and strength on the outside, but was ready to pee my pants at the slightest hint of trouble! I agreed to do it because I didn't want to look weak or stupid in front of the WHOLE class!! I started to climb and the first few steps were quite easy. The further up I got the further apart the staples in the tree became...whoever built this is STUPID! I felt around the tree for all possible paths before moving, I went very slowly. I didn't want to fall because I would have to start again, or may not get another opportunity to try again. My classmates would also guide me to where they thought a move would be more helpful. After probably 30 minutes I made it to the platform. I just stood, rejoicing in the fact that I wasn't dead yet, however the elation quickly fled when the instructor shouted, "Now JUMP!, the hard parts over!" Jerk, what does he know about hard? I took slow, small steps to the edge. I could feel the edge and even hung my toes over, but did not want to jump. I had no way to gauge the distance or if I was even directly in front of the ring. I decided the only way down was to jump. I prayed that whoever had me belayed was strong enough to keep me from plummeting to the ground. Okay, Dot just do it...you can do this! Just jump...JUMP already! I hurled myself as far as I could, reaching out...hoping...and then I could feel myself starting to fall and and then an abrupt tug. I missed it. I missed the ring. When I was on the ground, there were many pats on the back and hugs for a job well done. I took my blind fold off and looked up at the platform. Was I even close? As I examined the tree, the distance climbed and looking at the ring a surprising thing happened. I got a feeling of WOW! I can't believe I just did that!!! I was able to come to the conclusion that the point of the activity was not the ring, but the jump. I jumped! I was willing to go for it with all I had, and I jumped!!
Yes, life is still a big question mark for me, and yes, I don't know how long I will be here in Michigan, or what the actual impact of what I do in this world. I am still going to jump! Sooo here's the TRUTH:
1. I know that Michigan is my home, no really good reason for it, but it is and I am going to stay until my path leads me somewhere else. I'm sticking this one out and getting uber attached :)
2. I do miss my family, they are my favorite people in all the world. With all my moving around I have been greatly blest to spend significant time with them and hopefully will again in the future.
3. There is no where I could run to hide from myself. Turns out I'm not so scary...well mostly.
4. The outcome is less important than what I did to get it. My actions do matter, even if I'm the only one who thinks so.
5. The little things I choose to do along the way, will ultimately get me to where I want to be! It's the journey people!!
6. I am a work in progress, not yet a work of art. That is OKAY! It always amazing to watch an artist work.
7. In the process of teaching others I often forget I am being taught too!! As I am wanting to contribute something to them, they too are wanting to contribute and have that contribution make a difference. I forget it's a two way street.
8. I am HAPPY! I feel a sense of freedom emotionally, mentally that I never have before.
My story isn't over yet, I am revisiting the ideas and hopes I had last year and setting new goals for the summer months ahead. Some of my hopes have become even more important and others I have set to the side for right now. Jumping is never easy, I still obsess over do I or don't I? Each and every time. Sometimes the jump is worth making and sometimes it isn't...
I am grateful for all the times I did jump though;) and looking forward to the jumps to come! Your turn to take a leap...
